Psychobabble... :)

Okay, I've had a string of depressing posts. For tonight I'm gonna throw some psychobabble at you.

Anger and hate are a nasty pair. They are also a distraction. These emotions are my minds way of letting me sneak around the emotions I actually need to feel. It's a coping mechanism for me to be angry and hateful... most of my anger and hate are internal... but it gives me a way to feel like I'm being active... these feel like active emotions. But it's all full of shit. So today I made myself steer clear of any ugly thoughts about myself especially but also other people and things. And guess what? I had to deal with all the real emotions. I sat at my desk fighting back tears for 4 hours and through my lunch hour. But a funny thing happened in the afternoon. I felt calm. I felt just a little bit lighter.

The crazy thing in this world is that the coping mechanisms we use to avoid dealing with the things we really need to handle are the things that hurt us. People use drugs, alcohol, gambling, food (I'm guilty of this one), and any number of other things to avoid feeling... but the feelings don't hurt us. Not really. If we just stop and let them run their course they will go away and leave us alone.

So I'm not suddenly cured of my depression. I still have some heavy weights on me. But at least I'm not angry. And it feels good to let that go. I'll continue working on it too... my poor roommate has been putting up with a total bitch for a while. I thought I was keeping it all inside... but apparently not.