A friend of mine who reads my blog told me tonight that she considers me brave to talk about my depression and therapy. I've had another person use the same word. Brave. I take it as a compliment, though I'm not sure of it's accuracy.
I write because it makes me feel better. Now... hitting "Publish" and actually posting it may qualify as brave. I am putting myself out in a very bare and exposed way. But it somehow makes me feel better.
In college I went through a period of mild depression. In truth it was just that early 20s trying to find yourself phase of life... that point where the childhood pains start to manifest. Little did I know those childhood wounds don't ever go away really. At the end of the day almost every therapy session can end up back in childhood. It's kind of crazy! Okay... back on topic. I was referred to a weekend long "group therapy" thing. Basically 8 or 10 girls sitting around talking about our woes. But I left with an amazing realization. Every one of us had a completely different set of circumstances... but at the heart of each of us we wanted the same thing. We all wanted to feel accepted and loved... even if just by ourselves. We wanted to walk with our heads held high and believe that we were worthy of good things. I try to remember that when I encounter people in this world. At the heart of it... we want the same things... even if we go about our lives in different ways.
But what I also learned in this group was that sometimes hearing people talk about these issues makes the biggest difference. It helps more than talking about yourself. I always remembered one girl saying in the group that it was very important to her that I keep talking. Somehow what I talked about resonated with her and made a difference.
So a lot of my writing feels very self indulgent, but I also know that maybe someone will read it and think "hey, it's not just me." Or maybe someone scared of a therapist will try going to one and find it helps. I don't know... maybe just me talking might help someone... and in return help me.
At the end of the day I am just trying to take care of myself the best way I know how. Right now that means I see my therapist (not as much as I'd like, but I have to stay in budget), I talk to my friends (I am very fortunate to have psychology minded friends with wonderful insights), I work out (though not nearly enough), and I just keep getting up and moving forward... even when I do not want to. I know there is light out there. I can feel it even if I don't see it yet. :)
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