Avatar - my humble review

I'm drawing a blank on personal stuff right now. So instead I'll tell you about watching the movie Avatar for the first time last night.

First of all I have always liked James Cameron's movies. His female characters are always strong-willed, often strong physically, and generally don't take shit from anybody... even back before that was cool. Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, Linda Hamilton in the Terminator films, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in The Abyss, Kate Winslet in Titanic... all bad asses really. So I have no idea why it took me so long to see Avatar. I think maybe there was just too much hype. I needed to see it with no expectations.

I have to say I still love Sigourney Weaver. Not sure why they needed to make her a smoker in the film. I don't think it really added much to the story or her character. But she's still awesome. I loved the main guy... Jake Sully... I loved how he ran the first time he woke up in his Avatar. Really I loved the movie... even though it reminded me a lot of the Disney version of Pocahontas... but without the now annoying presence of Mel Gibson.

The movie was just stunningly beautiful to watch. I got to watch it on a nice TV and on Blu-Ray so it was pretty great. I am sure it was better in the theater, though. Maybe they'll bring it back to Imax someday.

Also, I thought that all of the special effects were awesome, but the best had to be Jake Sully's legs as a human. They actually made him look paralyzed. It was quite amazing.

I did have to wonder why every single one of the Na'vi were super skinny with small boobs. I mean... where was the variety? It just didn't seem realistic that the entire species had one body type.  Also, couldn't they have come up with a less ridiculous name for the mineral they were searching for... I mean "unobtanium?" Silly. :)

Anyway, that's this girls opinion on the movie. I felt the need to write something, but the mood is still a bit on the dark side, and I don't need to write about that all the time. 

Rene Russo and the loss of the age appropriate female co-star

I really miss Rene Russo. She is still around, but now she plays Thor's mom. Which is great... she's still gorgeous and amazing. But there was this time during the mid 1990s when Rene Russo was the girlfriend/wife character in quite a few movies. And she is one of the only ones I can ever remember, before or since, who seemed age appropriate to her love interest. Now she wasn't the lead... there was always a male character in the movie with her... but she always seemed equal and strong and tough and intelligent... and age appropriate. She was with Mel Gibson in Ransom and a couple Lethal Weapon flicks. She was also in The Thomas Crown Affair with Pierce Brosnan. Even back then, when I was in my 20s, I appreciated that they gave the roles to a woman in line with the man's age.

Rene Russo in The Thomas Crown Affair

Well, I've not seen many examples of this age-appropriate female since Rene fell off the map. So I was more than a bit excited when I saw the trailer for the movie "Parker." First of all it has Jason Statham who is truly one of the sexiest men in movies. And the woman in the film with him is Jennifer Lopez! She's actually in her 40s just like Jason Statham! OMG... an age appropriate love interest... or so I thought. *Spoiler alert... read no further if you care about knowing anything in this movie* 



I saw "Parker" today. Jennifer Lopez looks amazing. They manage to show her in her Victoria's Secret bra and underwear and she has ridiculously toned abs for a woman half her age with no kids... and she's 42 and has twins. So kudos Lopez. But is she the love interest? No... she's a bitter divorcee living with her mom. Jason is with, and stays with, a woman who looks to be in her 20s. I don't ever see what the attraction is between Statham and his chick other than they are kissy-face.

This crap actually did bug me when I was in my 20s. It bugs me more now. I know I'm all mid-life-crisis-y... but what the fuck is so wrong with actually casting couples of the same age together? Why does every fucking girlfriend in movies have to be perfectly pert and gravity defying and young enough to be the leading man's kid?

It must suck to be in Hollywood. I'm annoyed and angry at what my body is doing at 40, and quite honestly a bit terrified at the loss of my desirability... I can't imagine living in a place and working in a job that truly judged me on every wrinkle, every pound, and by the mid-30s you're too fucking old to be cast opposite a male star of the same damn age. It must just suck monkey butts.

That is all for now. I'm gonna go be an old lady and take a hot bath. :)

Khan!!!! In honor of Winter Storm Khan.

Okay... gonna geek out a bit here...

I'm hunkered down on a cold, cold night where the roads are bad. It's been dubbed "Winter Storm Khan" by The Weather Channel... that's right... KHAN!!!!! Just in case you're not familiar click here.

I decided to watch Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan tonight... It just seemed like a good plan. And I just have to say it... Spock is awesome. I was right to love him when I was a kid. I totally crushed on Spock. He was my favorite. And he still is. I'm gonna watch Search for Spock next... even though Leonard Nimoy doesn't show up until the end he still kicks ass when he does. Plus it has William Shatner's best acted line of all time (in my humble opinion): "Klingon bastard. You killed my son." Actually chokes me up when he says it. I wish Netflix would get off it's ass and make Star Trek IV available for streaming so I could finish this trilogy. :)

Done with my geekiness for the moment. :)

To quote Inigo Montoya "I hate waiting."

I am waiting on news about a job. I interviewed Monday. Today is Thursday. She did say they wouldn't make a decision until next week. But waiting sucks.

Honestly I don't have a good feeling about getting this job. Then again the last time I interviewed at this place I was sure I nailed it... and I didn't get it. So obviously I know jack and shit. I'm not even sure the job sounds all that great. But the hours are good. The location is good. I get to hang around dogs. And the health insurance is cheap. And I hate my job right now so much it makes me want to cry every day. Now... I know people have it worse. And I'm grateful for my job. But the sales rep was trying to give me some scare tactic about trying to get more business because if we don't pick up they could close our branch. And all I could think was "I don't give a rats ass if they close this branch... just wait a couple months so I can collect my unemployment again. Then I can go away and not have to smell this smoke infested energy vacuum of a co-worker anymore."

I know that if I look for them lots of little good things happen every day. But I'd really like something big and good to happen. I don't claim to deserve it. But I sure could use it. :)

Mom and her retirement fun

My mom had a good time in her retirement. She started tap dancing in her 60s. Even though she hadn't danced before she picked it up so quickly she was moved from the regular class to a member of the Silver Tappers. She she would say they danced for food. :) They would often perform at retirement communities and get lunch for free.

She was also the founding member of her local chapter of The Red Hat Society. I still remember Mom telling me that one of the members had paid to have them officially registered. Mom had come up with the official name for their chapter. They were the V.I.Ps... now that sounds innocent enough... but mom said it stood for "Varicose in Purple!" She laughed and laughed. Yup... they were the Varicose in Purple... and she was the leader. :)

Depression sucks

I see a therapist. I've been going to one every 6-8 weeks for about 3 years now. I started going right after the break up of a long term relationship that really did some damage to me emotionally... the relationship more so than the break up. My reasoning to seeking someone to talk to was 1) I didn't want to sink into a depression and 2) I wanted to know why I had allowed myself to stay so long in a relationship I knew was unhealthy so I wouldn't repeat the mistake. After a few months with one therapist I found another one who could help me with some other issues and who just suited me better. She is very insightful and sometimes can just say things so clearly to me that it is very light bulb like.

My last appointment was in the beginning of October. I had to cancel my mid-holiday appointment... and last week, in the middle of a particularly horrid and non-hormone-induced mood, I came to the nasty conclusion on my own that I was slipping into depression. So yeah... had to call and make an appointment.

I left with an appointment scheduled for 2 weeks from now. I came home, ate ice cream, crawled into my bed and cried in the dark for a bit. Therapy isn't exactly a cure. LOL. I have instructions to go get some blood work done to see how my vitamin levels are doing (I tend to be D deficient). I have permission to be sad... I really do have lots of real world things to be sad about... I'm not just whining about sand in my vagina. :) I also have permission to allot one night per week to come home and crawl into bed and do nothing but be sad... but only one night per week. :) I also have to keep working out even when I don't want to. I have to get up and move even when I don't want to... eventually I'll want to again. I know this. I left hearing her words behind me "Remember, Tracy, this too shall pass." A good therapist really is priceless.

Mom's emailed wisdom continues

About a week before mom went into the hospital I had emailed her about how I noticed I was starting to act a lot like her. I was being very social with people. I noticed people just talking to me out of the blue. And I had really noticed it while giving blood as I carried on conversations with about 5 different people and pretty much pulled everyone around me into the conversation. It was a very "Cathy" moment that made me laugh. Well part of her response in her email was "LOL - that is the only way to go... I actually have always looked forward to talking to people - just makes life more interesting and 4 out of 5 times you end up laughing at something." It's something I mention often... Mom and her unbelievable desire to laugh.

I have a job interview on Monday. It is a job in a large building with lots of people. And I truly hope I get it. I've been working in jobs with no more than 2 or 3 other people in the entire building since about 2001... and I'm so tired of it. I'm in a job where I sit next to one dude all day... and he snores half the time. I feel the need to interaction... it goes against my introverted nature... and I'll need my alone time at night to recover. But it will be nice to laugh more.

Oh, the rest of mom's email to me that day was this: You were talking about doing that writing for a month... well, u know what they say... write what u know. You could write a story about your life - remember the book Owen (something) can't remember the name of the book but do remember how his description of absolutely everthing was like you were standing right there looking at it. Just the fact of moving from Iowa to the south and living in a single wide trailer. The description of the neighborhood, etc., would be awesome... just write like u were looking at everything for the first time... know what I mean? You have such a mastery with the written word... us are awesome." It's nice to hear her voice even in writing... I think she'd be happy I write on this little thing often. I don't think I have a mastery of the written word... but knowing she liked me writing helps me write. :)

 

Snow stories, part 1

Once there was snow in the forecast when I was a kid. I was at St. Mary's at the time so it was somewhere between 2nd and 6th grade, but I really don't know when exactly. We were very excited. The weatherman was confidently calling for snow for the entire area. So Mom said happily let us go to sleep and didn't set her alarm clock. Hey, she got to sleep in too!

She finally woke up... and there was no snow at all. I think it ended up being nearly 70 degrees that day. She let us stay home for the day. She said to just tell people at school we were out because she believed the weatherman.

A somewhat happy dispatch from the crappy "lost a parent" club

I started teaching group fitness after my Mom died. I hadn't ever mentioned to her that I was considering it. I had considered it before she died, but as soon as I read the requirements I had tucked it away as an "I can't do that." After she died the thought of doing it entered my mind again. This time I read the requirements and said "I can... even if it scares me." I wonder if I would have chosen to face the fear if Mom hadn't passed away. I'll never know. But it puts things in perspective. After the loss of her not much seems that scary.

It does make me tremendously sad that she didn't get to see me teach. I've seen fellow instructors bring their mothers to class. And it makes me so sad that I can't do the same.

Tonight I was on stage. I was wearing a new blue shirt I'd bought to teach in. It was toward the end of the hour. I was on the floor bent over my leg with my head down and I had this sudden flash of my mother smiling... standing just over by the door... watching me. I didn't look up. I just smiled at how very real it felt. I am sure she'd be proud.

Once in a while I have that distinct feeling she's nearby. It's in the car a lot. If a good song comes on and I'm singing... I'll feel like she's in the seat next to me singing too. I won't look. I'll just enjoy the idea of it.

Now I don't claim to profess the truth of these "visits." The human mind if powerful. But I am grateful for the feelings of serenity and contentment they bring.

A picture and a hat. :)

I had a rough day today. It ended well enough. But I just don't have it in me to write much. Instead I happened upon this picture I thought I'd share. This is my mom, my brother and me... and all I can think about is the fact that I was wearing a toboggan today with a ball on top. I see I must have had a love of the toboggans from an early age. :) I had a hat in college that looked a lot like the one in the picture complete with ear flaps. :)

Me, shots, and my woosiness as a kid... total woose.

I used to hate getting shots. Now this does not mean that I now like getting them. I just don't have quite the freak out fear that I once had. How I actually got over my hatred is a good story... but a story for another day. Today's story is about me, my dad, and the time I went to get a tetanus shot.

I was 17 years old. My experience that got me over my fear of shots was still a year away. Mom and Dad decided I needed to get my updated tetanus shot before I went on a trip I'd won between my junior and senior years of high school. My dad was retired so one day in the summer he drove me out to the air force base hospital to get my shot. I knew about the shot well in advance so I'd really psyched myself up for the shot. I was still nervous, but felt I was adequately prepared in the mental and emotional departments.

Sitting in the waiting room was me, dad, and some younger children waiting on shots. I went in and hopped up on the table. The doctor or nurse or PA, the person with the needles, was looking over my chart and announced casually "Oh, she's due for her measles shot too." Suddenly all my preparation went out the window. I was suddenly scared absolutely shitless... stomach churning. I pretty much wanted to have a breakdown. But I looked to my left and saw these little kids sitting in the waiting room watching me. And I realized I had to be brave so they wouldn't be scared. The person with the needle asked if I wanted it in one arm or one in each arm. I opted for one in each. First the tetanus... BAM!!! It feels like someone hauls off and hits you incredibly hard in the arm. I can remember quietly saying "put the band-aid on, put the band-aid on!" as if that were going to really help the pain. Then they did the measles in the other arm... still a punch, but not nearly as hard.

Now the man with the needles was finishing up my paperwork... and I start getting woozy... I was closing in on passing out. That was pretty much my norm back then. If I got worked up badly about something as soon as it was over I would nearly pass out. It happened at the dentist's office before too. I don't know what I said, but suddenly he was cracking some tube open and putting smelling salts under my nose. Holy. Shit. Yup... that stuff works. I was pepped right back up.

Dad and I get out to the truck and have just left the back gate and the dizziness is back. I tell dad he needs to pull over. We pull into the gas station where he had friends working. I ripped the door open and slung my feet out and hung my head between my knees... and tried to breathe. Yup... stupid shots made me almost pass out.

Then Dad took me into the gas station and bought me a Coke in a glass bottle. I was an adventure as a kid sometimes. :)

Me and my mid-life crisis

I am totally having a mid-life crisis. I've not ever been worried about getting older. I looked forward to turning 30. I hadn't had any sort of weirdness or fear of turning 40. And yet I find myself in this very odd place in life at 40. And it's no fun at all.

I am not a vain person. I don't think I ever have been. I'm not one of those women who have been fawned over or celebrated for their looks their whole life. I know that my worth isn't about what I look like on the outside. And yet I find myself very aware that I'm going nowhere but downhill in the beauty area. I'm only going to get more wrinkles. I'm going to get more gray hair. All my "assets" have become best friends with gravity on their never ending quest for the floor. Then I think "Well, you could really devote yourself to working out and eating right... you've got years left on your looks if you really apply yourself." And then comes the "crisis" bit talking. She says "What's the point? Now pass me the damn cookies."

Yup... I'm feeling a "what's the point" thing going on. And it sucks. Rationally I totally know the point. I'll feel better. I'll be healthier. In the vanity category I'll look better. But most of those points are moot again the ugly voice of the crisis.

My mom used to talk about the fact that at about age 50 she became invisible. People just quit seeing you. You're old... and you're invisible. I've often thought about how when women lose their mothers early they don't have that person to give advice to them while they're growing up. I've realized I have lost my best source for advice, not while I'm growing up, but while I'm growing old. And that just sucks. I lost her before I turned 40. And the only advice I got was "you'll be invisible." Great... very helpful. LOL.

I'm not ready to be invisible. I feel like I wasted so much of my youth worrying about stupid shit and not really living. And I don't want to go back into a "not really living" kind of place. But that's what this whole "what's the point" crap feels like. I feel the pull to crawl into bed, pull the covers up and just stay there as much as possible.

So far 40 hasn't been stellar. I am not giving up, though. I'll do my best to keep telling that stupid voice of my mid-life crisis to shut the fuck up. The emotions you feed are the ones that grow. That's what Facebook memes tell me anyway. ;)

More life lessons from Mom... and Will Smith :)

I was driving to work this morning... running a bit late and not caring at all. I was having conversations out loud with myself as I've always done in the car. A lot of times it is useful. I work things out that have been bugging me. Sometimes it's just to pass the time. But this morning, about half way to work, I noticed the anger. It was like venom coming out of my mouth. What I was talking about is unimportant... I don't even remember. I just remember the sudden and swift realization of how angry I have been lately... how full of hate. Hate for everything and nothing. And to quote Will Smith... "Hate in your heart will consume you too." It actually hurt when I recognized what I was feeling.

I've been a combination of lots of emotions lately... not all bad, but definitely not all good... please refer to an older post about living the life of a phoenix for a bit more explanation... but I didn't recognize until this morning just how negative I'd truly become. I really thought I was balancing my emotions in a much more even way. But now I see I was in a bit of denial... not a bit... a lot. I spent a great deal of today thinking about my mom because of this realization.

Mom, I have no doubt, had bad moods. But she spent her life striving to find something to laugh about. I've said it many times... her philosophy was that if you laughed at some point during the day then it was a good day. And when she didn't feel well or was in a bad mood... she would smile a lot and make jokes until she was in a good mood. I am truly amazed at her ability. But in retrospect it gave her a good quality of life. And she laughed most days in her life.

So I am going to pull out of this funk. And through it all I will remember Mom only wanted me to laugh every day and be happy. And to laugh and be happy does require some work on my part. Small changes in my routine. Getting a better start to my days. Getting more exercise. Getting my diet evened out. Getting back to my therapist (a good therapist is incredibly helpful to put things in perspective on occasion). All these things I know when combined will help. Thankfully since I moved my sleeping has improved greatly. I just know that staying in this mood, spewing this internal venom... well, it's not poisoning anyone but me.

A vain post: Enough introspection. Time for action. :)

This will be an interesting one to revisit a year from now to see how I've done. :)

I want to be skinny. There... I've said it. I know, I know... it's terribly vain of me. But I've wanted to be skinny my entire life. And maybe I need to just own up to the fact. Now, before anyone thinks poorly of this declaration, I know I do not want to be unhealthy. I do not think it is necessary to be skinny to be worthy or beautiful. But for me personally the only times in my life that I don't spend tons of mental energy worrying about my weight and feeling huge is when I've been really thin. For me being skinny, I should say thin and lean, actually lessens my mental load. I can just let it go. And yet, I sabotage myself and don't let myself stay really thin. We all have baggage that we carry. And each person's baggage is different. I wonder, though, for me and my baggage, what will be the healthiest thing I can do. Is it healthier for me to finally just say F*ck it... and not sabotage myself... and truly go for a super healthy lifestyle and work my way down to skinny. And yes... skinny would just happen if I actually eat a consistently healthy diet and keep exercising. It's not magic. It's science. Well, skinny except for my booty... it'll always be bootylicious. :)

Costume I could wear now

Costume I wish I could wear

Maybe it's time to quit being so damn introspective with the "why do I sabotage myself?" Maybe it's time to just tell that saboteur to shut the fudge up and leave me to my goals.

Losing weight, being healthy, making changes, etc... it isn't difficult. It's the decision to change that's difficult. If you make the decision and commit to it the rest isn't so bad. So I do believe it's time to commit. You know what girl has 2 thumbs and is worth it... that's right. This girl! LOL.

Don't wish me luck... I don't believe in it. But wish me well. Wish me good fortune. And I wish the same for anyone who truly wants something.