Me and my mid-life crisis

I am totally having a mid-life crisis. I've not ever been worried about getting older. I looked forward to turning 30. I hadn't had any sort of weirdness or fear of turning 40. And yet I find myself in this very odd place in life at 40. And it's no fun at all.

I am not a vain person. I don't think I ever have been. I'm not one of those women who have been fawned over or celebrated for their looks their whole life. I know that my worth isn't about what I look like on the outside. And yet I find myself very aware that I'm going nowhere but downhill in the beauty area. I'm only going to get more wrinkles. I'm going to get more gray hair. All my "assets" have become best friends with gravity on their never ending quest for the floor. Then I think "Well, you could really devote yourself to working out and eating right... you've got years left on your looks if you really apply yourself." And then comes the "crisis" bit talking. She says "What's the point? Now pass me the damn cookies."

Yup... I'm feeling a "what's the point" thing going on. And it sucks. Rationally I totally know the point. I'll feel better. I'll be healthier. In the vanity category I'll look better. But most of those points are moot again the ugly voice of the crisis.

My mom used to talk about the fact that at about age 50 she became invisible. People just quit seeing you. You're old... and you're invisible. I've often thought about how when women lose their mothers early they don't have that person to give advice to them while they're growing up. I've realized I have lost my best source for advice, not while I'm growing up, but while I'm growing old. And that just sucks. I lost her before I turned 40. And the only advice I got was "you'll be invisible." Great... very helpful. LOL.

I'm not ready to be invisible. I feel like I wasted so much of my youth worrying about stupid shit and not really living. And I don't want to go back into a "not really living" kind of place. But that's what this whole "what's the point" crap feels like. I feel the pull to crawl into bed, pull the covers up and just stay there as much as possible.

So far 40 hasn't been stellar. I am not giving up, though. I'll do my best to keep telling that stupid voice of my mid-life crisis to shut the fuck up. The emotions you feed are the ones that grow. That's what Facebook memes tell me anyway. ;)