More life lessons from Mom... and Will Smith :)

I was driving to work this morning... running a bit late and not caring at all. I was having conversations out loud with myself as I've always done in the car. A lot of times it is useful. I work things out that have been bugging me. Sometimes it's just to pass the time. But this morning, about half way to work, I noticed the anger. It was like venom coming out of my mouth. What I was talking about is unimportant... I don't even remember. I just remember the sudden and swift realization of how angry I have been lately... how full of hate. Hate for everything and nothing. And to quote Will Smith... "Hate in your heart will consume you too." It actually hurt when I recognized what I was feeling.

I've been a combination of lots of emotions lately... not all bad, but definitely not all good... please refer to an older post about living the life of a phoenix for a bit more explanation... but I didn't recognize until this morning just how negative I'd truly become. I really thought I was balancing my emotions in a much more even way. But now I see I was in a bit of denial... not a bit... a lot. I spent a great deal of today thinking about my mom because of this realization.

Mom, I have no doubt, had bad moods. But she spent her life striving to find something to laugh about. I've said it many times... her philosophy was that if you laughed at some point during the day then it was a good day. And when she didn't feel well or was in a bad mood... she would smile a lot and make jokes until she was in a good mood. I am truly amazed at her ability. But in retrospect it gave her a good quality of life. And she laughed most days in her life.

So I am going to pull out of this funk. And through it all I will remember Mom only wanted me to laugh every day and be happy. And to laugh and be happy does require some work on my part. Small changes in my routine. Getting a better start to my days. Getting more exercise. Getting my diet evened out. Getting back to my therapist (a good therapist is incredibly helpful to put things in perspective on occasion). All these things I know when combined will help. Thankfully since I moved my sleeping has improved greatly. I just know that staying in this mood, spewing this internal venom... well, it's not poisoning anyone but me.