I hate my body more days than not :(

Disclaimer: this particular post may be a bit fueled by hormones. While a large amount of my depression has not been hormonally induced, I do recognize the current strength of these feelings may be. It still helps to write it and release it. 

2nd disclaimer: My ramblings about weight have no bearing on what I think of other people of any size... these truly are feelings I direct only at myself.

When I was young I would often lay in bed at night and daydream about being in a car accident. I would think if I could just get hurt, not tragically... not so much that it would impact me for the rest of my life... but hurt enough to put me in the hospital so that I couldn't eat so much and I could just get skinny. Seriously... I used to wish for things like that. I was willing to be physically hurt, to trade broken bones and hospital bills to be skinny. Who thinks like that?

I'm far more aware of my thoughts these days, but the truth is sometimes things like that creep back in. I actually said to someone tonight that I'd be willing to not have all my teeth if I could be really skinny. And as soon as I said it I thought OMG... you freak! How could you even think that? Even now, at 40 years old, when I should be far more comfortable in my skin than I was in my youth, it seems as though I'm becoming less comfortable. At least on some days. I truly allow my self-worth to be far too involved in my physical size. But it's true. I feel worth less... some days worthless... depending on how heavy I feel or how tight my clothes fit.

It's a vicious circle. Dealing with grief and depression has caused me to fall back onto my vice of eating too much. So I gain weight. Then being heavy depresses me more. And I eat more. It makes no logical sense, but it makes perfect emotional sense.

I wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself. The only times I am even close is when I'm working out every day and eating really well. But OMG that's so hard when your emotions are screaming at you the way they are recently. Let me digress from the whining. It all boils down to what we want in life, and what we're willing to do to get it. I just get so tired of this damn weight, the emotional as well as the physical. It seems like I should have been able to put it down by now.