I've been trying to keep an eye on my inner dialogue. I am not doing a great job. You read a lot of those inspirational memes on Facebook about the fact that "we are our thoughts" or "what we think is what we will become." There is truth in that I think. And I also know the things I say to myself... well, if someone said them about someone I loved I'd beat the shit out of them. But I love myself, right? So why do I allow it?
The worst thing lately is that I keep allowing some form of "worthless" in my mind. That I am somehow not worthy of good things. But do you know how I know that's not true? Because my mom thought I was worthy. And if Cathy thought I was good enough... for whatever... well, then I must be. Now I do know that the worthless thing is completely irrational. But if we allow the thought then we start to feel it. Hence the policing of my thoughts has begun. Sometimes I'll just make myself think things almost like a cadence: "I am strong. I am powerful. I am worthwhile. I am beautiful." Anything that is in the positive. I figure if I say the negative and feel it... well, then I can feel the positive too. Either side requires maintenance. Awareness is the key. Awareness is only the first step. But as we know the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. If you don't take the first step you can't reach the goal.
Goal? What is the goal exactly anyway? I suppose the goal is being able to wake up in the morning and be glad to be living in my skin. It should be easy... I'm Cathy's daughter. I can't imagine being anyone better, right? :)
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