New Year's Eve 2013 - Look back and forward

I had a strange thought when I woke up this morning. This year, 2012, was the first complete year without my Mom. She didn't get to be here for any of my triumphs or failures. It still hurts to know she won't be here for the years ahead of me. But rather than be sad tonight I'm going to take a look back and a look forward.

2012

This year has been full of ups and downs. My emotions have truly had a rollercoaster ride in 2012... and it's continuing on into 2013. I lost my job. I found another job. I'm still looking for a better job. I got my first group fitness certification and have been teaching with some regularity as a substitute since June. I maintained my weight. Then I gained a little during some stressful times. My living situation has changed. I'm leaving behind an old life... and trying really hard to cobble together something of a new life that is one of my choosing... one that I will love. I'm letting the one life burn down... and I'll rise from those ashes.

2013

I don't really do resolutions. But I do like to have goals. I set goals all year. It isn't just reserved for January... but somehow that calendar flipping is a good tool to say "yeah... let me start working towards this." So this is what I want to work toward this year:

1. Get new group fitness certification (this one is already in motion as I'm going to training on Jan 4th)
2. Get lean... okay, get leaner. :) I do not want to say "lose weight." I really just want to be healthy. I'm 40... I'd like to see what I can look like at 40. I do not want to hear the words "you can't" in my mind when it comes to my health and fitness.
3. Continue banning the words "I can't" from my vocabulary. I firmly believe if you say can't or never then you won't ever.
4. Run an 8K. I've bought my kilt and registered for the race in March... so come hell or highwater I'll be dragging my kilted ass over an 8k finish line this year. :)
5. FIND A NEW JOB! Seriously... new job. You hear that universe? New job.
6. Make a costume to wear to a convention. In a perfect world I'd be Slave Leia. In this world I may end up as Meg Griffin... but that'll be okay too. :)
7. Keep writing. It is hard to put into words why it is helpful to write like I'm doing... but is is helpful to me, mentally and emotionally... and I don't want to disappoint my 10's of readers. LMAO.
8. Laugh a lot. Cry a little. Feel whatever I'm gonna feel. Live my life.

And there you have it... my list, as of today, of stuff to work on in the new year. I reserve the right to add items or delete items from this list as needed. It is my list... I can edit all I want. :)

My mom and The Muppet Movie

Friday night... big plans tonight? Netflix in my room. :) I am pretty happy about this actually. It's cold outside, and I'm grumpy from my week. So I start looking for something to watch. While browsing I happened upon "The Muppet Movie." And I had just the best memory.

It was 1979. I would have been 7 years old. My brother was 9. Mom tells us that she is going to the shoppette, the little convenience store on the air force base, to pick up a couple things. So Brian and I pile into the backseat of the car. We're just hanging out in the back seat as mom drives talking and not paying attention to where we're going. At a certain point I notice that we have not only entered the base from the back gate, but we are now leaving the base through the front gate. We haven't stopped at the shoppette. Brian and I tell Mom she's missed the store. She says "Oh, I guess I wasn't paying attention and just drove by... well, since we're out here in town... we may as well go see The Muppet Movie!!!!" And of course there is a chorus of "yays" and "hurrays" from the back seat of the car.

Yup... a frog on a bike is really funny.

I always remembered that... I remembered the surprise of going to the movie far more than I remembered the actual movie. The one thing about the movie I really remembered was how darned tickled my Mom got when she saw Kermit riding the bicycle. I started the movie... I have no idea how long it's been since I've seen this movie... honestly, it may be the first time since 1979. And I totally get it... that frog on a bicycle is absolutely hysterical.

"Lost? Have you tried Harry Krishna?"

Tales of a geek girl... Star Trek edition

It still gets to me.

"Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human."
Capt. Kirk, Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan 

I just watched some of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. I saw the movie the first time when I was 10 years old and it was in the theatres. I only remember a couple things from it. I remember being scared and freaked out by the bugs going in Chekhov's ear. And I remember Spock dying. The death scene at the end, and Kirk's speech at his funeral, still gets me a little teary eyed.

Back then there was no internet. You didn't really know if they were making movies until you saw the preview on television. I can remember being in our den and the preview for Star Trek III, The Search for Spock came on. I clearly remember running through the house yelling for mom... I was yelling "Spock's alive! Spock's alive!" Mom seemed pretty happy about it as I recall, though nowhere near my level of joy. As much as I recognize that Khan is the superior film I have an eternal soft spot for The Search for Spock. 

Live long and prosper. :)
 

New Year's already

I'm quickly transitioning out of the Xmas mood and into a New Year's mood. I'm not a big resolutions person, but I do like to take stock of what I've achieved in the past year and find some focus for what I'd like to achieve in the next year.

I'm wrapping my head around what I need to do to rid myself of a lot of negativity I've been holding onto lately. And it's gonna be work... hard work. But I really think this hard work is the only answer. It's the only answer I can see. The details are far too hard to explain coherently right now. I also think it's too much to put in one post. Perhaps I'll try to explain it within a few posts. And also what I see as my solution.

I just know I have a lot of physical work ahead of me and a lot of self-discipline. But I do believe the mental and emotional payoff will be worth the effort. I hope so anyway... I know I need to make a change.

Christmas traditions... simple and sometimes silly

A friend of mine wrote about Xmas traditions tonight. She said she was worried that she didn't have enough Christmas traditions for her kids. But I agree that you can't really manufacture traditions. The good ones happen organically. Xmas is really about tradition I think. I get together with certain friends for lunch every Xmas. My friend and I always wear silly santa hats at lunch. I usually meet up with Regina for a Xmas shopping/lunch day. 

Well, as it is technically Christmas Eve. I have my favorite tradition happening tonight. I have probably told this story before... but I am telling it again. It is tradition, after all. It is the story of the Christmas Eve frozen pizza.

A year or two after my brother and I learned there was no Santa Claus we suggested to our parents that we should open presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning... that way we could all sleep in on Christmas. We were not, and still are not, morning people. My brother and I also were just impatient to open our gifts.

So one year Mom and Dad told us that we could open presents Christmas Eve, but Brian and I had to fix supper and clean up afterwards. Then we would open gifts. Well... what do two kids who want to eat and clean as quickly as possible do for supper? Frozen pizza. So year after year we would fix frozen pizza on Xmas eve... we each had 2 slices, we quickly cleaned up, and we ran for the den. :)

We have upgraded a bit. My brother gets us these awesome gourmet pizzas that are unbaked which we bake at the house. But it is still Xmas eve pizza. :) It sucks with mom gone... and I am sure some day I'll have traditions with other people.

My mom was a gift giving guru at times... I at least try. :)

I like to think I'm a pretty good gift giver. I pay attention to what people like. I keep Christmas gifts in mind throughout the year. Once in a while I'll give a gift that is pretty darned awesome... one that is actually remembered down the road. My mom has given me a few such gifts. One was Ape, my favorite stuffed animal, that I wrote about previously. Here is a story of another... possibly the coolest gift she ever gave me.

To have you understand the coolness of this gift we have to go back... way back. I'm going to guess I was somewhere between 14 and 16 years old. I was at the Pizza Inn in Goldsboro (the old one near the skating rink... the one with carousel horses in it... just a tidbit for those of you from the area) with my family. We were up at the register paying when mom and I started talking to a woman in line. She had the most incredible bracelet on. Apparently she was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan. Her husband had this bracelet custom made for her. It had small pictures of Marilyn Monroe all around it. I think it may have been gold. It was definitely expensive. Obviously we never saw another bracelet like it... it was a custom piece after all. And by the time I started college it was pretty much wiped from my memory.

Gift Giving Guru at work

So 20 years later or so... I think I was around 35 years old... I was home at Christmas. I opened one of my presents and saw a piece of jewelry. It was a piece of costume jewelry. It had various photos of Marilyn Monroe on it. I looked at it in a somewhat confused manner. I liked it, but I had no memory of the one we saw when I was a kid... though something seemed familiar. I looked up at mom who had a look of anticipation on her face... she was just waiting for me to remember. She starts reminding me a bit about the woman years ago... and I start smiling. Mom had apparently started looking for something like it a couple years... yes, a couple years... before!

I've only worn it a few times. I don't do bracelets much... they tend to make my arm itch. But I pull it out and look at it often. This cheap piece of costume jewelry is the epitome of "it's the thought that counts." So much thought went into this gift. And it was just the best present she ever gave me.

Every stuffed animal has a story

My buddy Ape

As a kid I had stuffed animals as toys. My brother and I had cabinets in the den filled with nothing but stuff animals. We used to open the hide-a-bed, lift the part near the head, hide down behind it (inside the couch), and hold the animals up over the top to perform plays with them. Some of the animals got to sleep in the bed with me. They were an endless source of fun for our imaginations.

As an adult I have a handful of stuffed animals left. And if you keep stuffed animals as an adult... well each one has a story. This is the story of my favorite. His name is Ape.

When I was a kid somewhere between 12 and 14 years old I think, too old to still get stuffed animals as Christmas presents and too old to still put on plays with the stuffed animals I still had, my mom and I went shopping for the grandkids. Mom had her list. This was back when they were easy to buy gifts for... they were all young enough we would just hit the stuffed animal aisle and boom... we were done!

So we are looking through the toys when we locate this amazingly cool ape. We both got big eyes when we saw him. I imagine I raved about him quite a bit. We picked one of the boys on the list and checked him off. Well, it was a bit before we wrapped the presents. I kept picking the little ape up and playing with him, though at 13 or 14 years old that just meant sitting on the couch holding him and talking about how awesome a stuffed animal he was. One day I came home from school, and Mom had wrapped all the presents, packed them up in brown boxes, wrapped those boxes in old paper garbage bags (remember when people did that!), and shipped them off to their various destinations. I was kind of bummed that the ape was gone, but I knew the grandson would enjoy the toy.

We get to Christmas Eve... we are taking turns opening our presents. On one of my turns I open up a box and you guessed it... Ape was staring back at me! I'm not sure a Christmas present has ever surprised me more. I probably had the look of a woman opening a box with a big ass diamond in it or something. I laughed and hugged the stupid Ape... Mom had gone out and gotten the grandson something else and totally duped me.

I still own Ape... he looks at me out of the corner of his eyes. He's dirty... not sure how to wash him really. I imagine some of his discoloration is smoke stains while some is just age. He is plenty old enough to drink, that's for sure! He's the one toy I refuse to part with... he makes me think of Mom and how much she cared. :)

My geek side is here to stay

Leia and Kirk? That guy can get any girl! :)

I love Star Wars. I love Star Trek. I love science fiction in general. I love Monty Python. I grew up watching these things. I am also a huge fan of action films. I do love a good fight scene. And yet I spent a number of years of my adult life not watching any of these things. I found myself in a long term relationship where that part of me was not understood... not appreciated. Now, it's not like I started out saying "Oh, I'm not going to watch these things and I'll just ignore this part of my personality." But it wasn't a shared interest. And, quite honestly, being a girl and wanting to get along I deferred to watch things that we both liked... or that he liked. I just always kind of assumed I'd get my stuff worked in somewhere along the way.

I also grew up in a household with parents who liked to watch different things. Mom liked movies. Dad liked sports. My mom said that the key to a happy marriage was 2 TV sets. Of course I ended up dating someone who basically wanted to be Velcroed to my side all the time... so no 2 TVs were gonna happen.

I've been out of that relationship for 3 years now. And the idea of neglecting parts of my personality seems ridiculous. I can't even fathom how I ever let my geek side disappear for so damn long. These days I go to sci-fi conventions, I watch almost nothing but action and sci-fi flicks... I still love a good romantic comedy, but good romantic comedies are few and far between. Most of them suck ass these days.

Compromise is a necessary component in relationships, platonic and romantic alike. But there should not be compromise on personality. Someone either likes you or they don't. They accept you or they don't. And in my life if you don't... well, there's the door. :)

How I, as a kid, learned about violence in the world

I've seen a lot of things online during the past few days about people talking to their kids about the killings in Connecticut. Now before I give my story please know I am not discounting how scary this thing must be for kids and parents alike. And I'm not talking about kids who were at the school where it happened. That's an entirely different issue. Also, I'm not a parent... but I'm a kid who had a parent who explained scary things to me. So for kids in the world at large who read about it on the internet or hear about it on TV this is how I can relate to it: I'd forgotten about this for a long time... until today.

When I was in 4th grade I was just a little 10 year old at St. Mary's School in Goldsboro. Life was pretty normal. The real world was the playground... and scary things weren't that scary in retrospect. There was a kindly old lady who worked in the office of the school. Her name was Goldie I think. I believe she was in her 60s. I still remember what she looked like. She was overweight with salt and pepper hair. She wore big glasses which were normal at the time. I remember this... but not from knowing her in person. I remember her black and white photo in the "memorial page" in our yearbook that year. You see that year Goldie had someone break into her home. He tied her up. He raped her. He killed her. This is how I learned about rape. This is how I learned about real violence. I can remember asking my mom about it... I asked her lots of questions. I had a rudimentary understanding of sex at best. And I was trying to understand why a man in his 20s would want to have sex with a woman in her 60s. I can remember my mom explaining how rape was not about sex or desire... it was about power. Yes... my mother explained these things to me plainly and compassionately when I was 10 years old. I won't ever know if she wrestled with how to explain these things to me, but I kind of doubt it. She would have talked to me like a person and tried to help me understand. I am sure she hated for me to learn about violence in the world. But it exists. And learning about it in the safety of my home was okay when I look back on it.

I remember that I was scared. It was somewhere around that time I learned that the KKK hated Catholics. Mom told me this information also. I remember us seeing some place in town where the KKK was known to meet... and Mom mentioned the Catholic hatred thing. I suspect she didn't realize this was gonna scare me... but it did. Yet another real world thing to fear. I was Catholic, and suddenly I was scared I'd wake up one night and there would be a burning cross in my yard.

I'm not saying that the violence of the world is okay. I certainly don't think it's okay what happened in Connecticut. But I also know that kids are resilient... again I speak of children distantly removed from the actual shootings. I suspect it'll be a rough road for those involved. So I hope parents just explain everything as simply and honestly as they can... even if the explanation is "I don't know why." Kids will meet the real world eventually... I think parents can just hold their hand for a while as they learn about it.

My good old Dad

My favorite pic of me and Dad in Seward, AK 

I talk a lot about my Mom. She was a huge influence on my life and just about my favorite person ever. But I don't mean to neglect my Dad in all my talks. He has been the rock of my life. Mom and Dad provided me with the most stable, fun, happy, loving home life anyone ever dream about having. I can't say for sure but from my vantage point Mom and Dad were always solid. And I never worried about that changing. Mom said she loved Dad because he made her laugh every day. And Dad seemed to just love Mom... no reason necessary. They weren't overly affectionate, but they obviously liked each other. And that is ultimately the most important thing when it comes to a long term relationship... at least that's how it seems to me.

Anyway, back to my dad... he called me Tricky Ann growing up. If he saw me in the morning he'd always say "Morning Glory." I was the 8th kid he had... and he was 42 when I was born. So I had a dad a lot older than most. And I'm so fortunate to still have my dad 40 years later.

Every time we would walk into a restaurant the hostess would see our group and say "3?" Dad would say "14." And then we'd all laugh. Or they'd ask him what he wanted to drink and he'd say "decaffeinated water" just to mess with them. He'd fart in the living room and casually look over at me and say "What'd you say?" He is a funny guy... silly through and through.

My dad's influence on my life is more subtle than my mom's. But I love him endlessly. He is what made our home feel safe and secure.

Birthday cards

When Mom got her iMac she used to love playing around with software... and I quit getting store bought cards. This was a birthday card she and Dad mailed me a few years ago. I miss getting stuff like this. Loved her more than words can say.

Assholes who kill children do not deserve fame

Yesterday an asshole walked into a school and killed children and teachers. I don't care to know about this asshole. He should remain faceless and nameless. There is no way this waste of space did this without the intention of becoming famous. I do not think he should get his wish. I appreciate that a lot of news websites are focusing on the heroic actions of teachers both alive and deceased. I appreciate it because it is where the focus should be. If we will all just ignore the piece of shit who committed this horrible act then maybe other pieces of shit won't follow in his steps.

I am not a parent. The reasons I have chosen to not have children are many. I can truly say that one of them is that I do not think I could handle losing a child. And there is no guarantee to outlive children. Every bit of me hurts thinking about the parents who are having to deal with the death of their child... the death of the dreams they had for their child... the death of their life as they knew it. It breaks my heart.

So I will not read about this asshole. I want to forget his name. I want to forget his existence. He doesn't deserve to go down in history.

Ramblings about dressing up

I bought a party dress tonight... I am very excited. I rarely get to dress up. I have a Xmas party to go to tomorrow and was going to have to piece together something to wear. But now I've got an awesome dress.

My mom spent many, many years of her life wearing jeans and sweatshirts while raising kids. When she started working again when I was 10 years old she seemed to take a lot of joy in buying suits with skirts to wear to the office. This was back in the day when people actually dressed up to go to work. She also tended towards high heels... usually 3" heels. And she loved heeled knee boots.

I remember mom had a beautiful green velvet mini-dress... it had long sleeves and a high neck with lace at the top. She wore a black and white cameo at the neck. It was something she wore to Christmas parties. I think at some point she thought it was too short, though Mom had killer legs, but maybe the length didn't seem age appropriate anymore. She took the dress apart and bought some black velvet and remade it in a longer length. I thought it was pretty cool of her... but the green velvet was prettier material. 

I tend toward the casual. Jeans are my favorite things. And I have kind of bad feet since I hit my 30s. They like to get tendinitis if I'm not careful. But I love heels too. And if I dress up... I like to feel dressed up... and that includes some type of heel. I still can't manage the stripper heels that are popular right now. But I've got some black boots with a chunky heel that I can manage for a few hours. :) I've no doubt Mom would advise me to wear my little dress with bare legs and heels... but true to my own style I'll stick with opaque tights and boots.

I did have to ask a nice lady in the dressing room if the dress made me look pregnant... it has a slight empire waist and is a little loose from that point down. But the woman looked at me like I was certifiably insane and said "Not even a little bit." It was seriously the best reaction I could have asked for. I mean... she has no clue of my body issues. For all she knows I am pregnant and just don't want it to show. But the fact she seemed to think I was crazy for asking... like "no way you look remotely chubby" kind of look... it made me happy. And no... thank goodness... I'm not pregnant. :)

Mom's sneaky goodbye

"Bye."

Back in August of 2011 my brother Nick came to visit my parents. I went home to visit too since I don't get to see him often. As we were all leaving Mom wanted me to take a picture of her and Dad on the back porch waving. It was always a tradition with them that as one of us drove off we all waved frantically until we were out of sight. So they'd stand there and wave until the car was out of sight and weather permitting we would have an arm out waving also. And for some reason mom insisted on having this picture taken. I took it for them, and didn't think much else about it.

Skip forward to November. Mom has passed away. I am still home with Dad. I remember the picture and ask my sister if she knows where it is. She said it was on their computer somewhere. I start looking for it... and Mom has it on the desktop. And the title of the file is simply "Bye." I remember seeing it and thinking "You're shitting me." I opened it and there she was... waving goodbye. I think I laughed a little and cried a little at it.

A fleeting glimpse at the best of me

I had a strange feeling tonight. And I'm not quite sure I can explain it fully. I was driving away from the gym, and I just had this undeniable feeling of being me again. And it wasn't until I felt that feeling that I was even aware just how much that feeling had been eluding me lately. I haven't been walking around thinking "Gosh, I don't feel like myself." But suddenly I was filled up with this, I don't know, sense of "being me."

I realize I am carrying a great deal of stress right now. And it definitely isn't gone at the moment. But over the weekend I moved. And other than the actual moving day which was hectic as hell I had a nice weekend... very much thanks to a supportive friend and roommate. And I started to feel settled. I can almost... almost... see a light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Then Monday I started my new routine of commuting from Cary. It is further, but it forces me to take my gym clothes with me and go to the gym directly after work. This does a couple things... first of all, I can't get home and think "oh, I will lay down and nap instead of changing clothes and going to the gym." Secondly, it gives traffic a chance to die down before I drive home. Both great things!

So last night I went to a class at 5:30pm after work. And I had so many people hug me and seemed so happy to see me. It just made my day. I hadn't realized how my lack of being at the gym regularly had been noticed.  A friend said how the people at the gym... we are like a little family. And I felt part of that last night. I actually felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then tonight, due to encouragement from the teacher on Facebook, I stopped in a spinning class for 15 minutes before going and teaching in the hot yoga room. And I had 10 people show up. A normal class is about 5 people. We were bursting at the seams in that room. And that was pretty darned fun for me.

So I was driving away, and it just felt somehow like finding this new routine, and getting back to my physical activity... I was finding my way back to me just a little bit. The feeling was fleeting, but it was real. And it is a reminder to me to keep moving forward. And that the gym truly is a place that brings out the best of me. :)

My cluttered, knick knacked life: Need vs. Love

Years ago I was watching some show where they toured celebrities homes and talked to the celebrity about all their nice stuff. The one I remember is the actress Jennifer Tilly (who I remember from Liar, Liar and as the voice of the Bride of Chucky, even though I never saw that movie). She is part Chinese and was showing some beautiful Chinese antiques she owned. But I remember her saying that she only had things in her home that she fit one of two criteria. 1. She needed them. 2. She loved them. And that has stuck with me.

I have a lot of clutter. An absolute shitload of knick knacks. I take after my folks I suppose. Their house is seriously knick knacked out. Years ago I quit buying them anything for Christmas other than candy because they didn't have any shelf space left for figurines. But I'm in the middle of a Phoenix cycle in life (see earlier post (My life as a phoenix). I'm not sure where the burning down ends and the rebuilding starts... it kind of feels overlapped, but I suppose hindsight will show me the whole thing with more clarity. But one of the parts of this cycle is me moving... officially tomorrow. All my furniture will be in my new place. All that will be left in my old place is the clutter and knick knackery to clean up.

And here is where I feel I have to inflict some pain to have a truly fresh start. I'm going to have to be a little harsh with what I keep. I certainly don't need boxes of crap that have been sitting in the back of my closet for 11 years. And how much in those boxes do I really love? I have to find a line between what I love and what I just really, really like. Does sentimental value equal love? I have an ugly old wooden cow clock that Mom and Dad built/painted for me when I was in college (I had a thing for cow spotted things which turned into a full blown "let's give her cow themed gifts" cycle for a few years). But it's ugly. I won't use it. But they made it for me... my amazing parents made it for me. So do I pay for storage space for this stuff? I don't know... it's a tough call. It's not like ridding myself of stuff diminishes my feelings. But sometimes finding items rekindles memories you'd forgotten.

So the next month should be a tough adventure... clearing out all the crap once I get the necessities in place. Fingers crossed I can stay strong and really give myself a clean break. :)

Mom the Elf!

Cathy the Elf!

My mom made things happen. She started a children's Christmas party at her office. She worked at the 4th Civil Engineering Squadron on Seymour Johnson Air Force Base. She was more than a secretary, but simplicity's sake, she was a secretary for about 40 engineers. One year she decided to have a Christmas party on Saturday for everyone's kids. Basically they had a bunch of little games like pin the tail and guess how many M&Ms are in a jar. They had a bunch of snacks. And then Santa and his elf would show up with a big bag full of presents. Everyone would bring a present to work already wrapped for their kid. And then when Santa came out he had a gift with each kid's name on it (there was always some turd of a parent who would buy a $200 gift when Mom told everyone to do a $10 present... but whatcha gonna do?).

She never said so, but I think Mom was really proud of those Christmas parties. I know I was always happy to go help her with the party... even after my sad stint as the elf. I would just hang out and help keep the snacks filled, etc... even as an adult I'd go sometimes. I like to think some of those kids remember them, and maybe remember her as well.

Mom's piano

My brother and I at the first piano.

We had a piano growing up. I took lessons for a couple years, but was not great. I'm tone deaf and didn't get far enough to sight read sheet music or anything. But I enjoyed it. When mom and dad moved back in 1996 they sold the piano to some church for the same thing they'd paid for it probably 15-20 years before... about $200 I think... that's just how they were... they weren't looking to make a buck.

Well, a few years went by, and mom decided she missed having a piano. So they bought a new one. I think they paid over $1000 for it. Mom took some lessons, but again the piano didn't get much use. Well, one day at work I get this email from mom after a guy had been at the house to install their new dishwasher.
This is what my mom was like every day of her life. :)

Heh,

Well, the new dishwasher is in and the guy is gone.  You know how everybody has a story - well, this guy lived in Boston and a few years back he got sick.  He had to have an operation which took out about 12' of his colon.  Then he found out that the company he worked for didn't pay for recovery time, etc.  Because he couldn't work until he fully recovered, he had no income and lost his house thru foreclosure.  He did research on line as to places he could move to and ended up moving to NC.

They rented a house in Clayton and about 18 months ago the house burned to the ground.  They had no renter's insurance and totally lost everything.  On top of all of that, they still have a 12 year old little girl at home; plus, have custody of 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 6.  So, he pretty much works non-stop to pay the bills.  His wife also works.

Anyway, he had to use the bathroom and when he walked by - he said who plays the piano.  I said no one.  My daughter use to play.  He asked if he could play something.  OMG, he totally transformed into this totally relaxed person and was actually in "hot heaven".  How he loves playing the piano.  He said after the fire he looked to find any part of the piano - but the fire was so intense that it destroyed it totally.

After hearing him play and watching him, I asked him if he wanted the piano.  OMG, I thought he was going to cry.  He is so excited.  Bottom line, he will be here on Sunday to take it away.

I know I will never learn to play it and it is just collecting dust.  So, that's the story of the day.

Love ya

Fingernails that skipped a generation

My mom had really pretty hands. Her fingers were very slender and she had long, lovely fingernails. I used to watch her clean the old polish off her nails. And I'd watch her paint her nails. And even with fingernails (not crazy long, but they were nails) she typed 110 words per minute.

I did not inherit this from her. I have really short, really soft nails. I pick at them constantly. My toenails are so tiny they are practically non-existent. I pick them too if I'm not wearing socks. It's a bit of an OCD thing for me. And once in high school I decided to take all the energy I used to pick my nails and use that energy to keep them nice... I hoped they'd look like mom's. I was quite wrong! When my nails finally started to grow tips they flattened out and kind of curved upward. Plus my OCD was kicking in and I was "clicking" my nails together constantly. I'd click my thumbnail against my finger nails... and the sound was like nails on a chalkboard. So I finally just ripped them all off... and I was happy. I still rip them to shreds. But it's an OCD I can live with without much issue.

Now I do remember my mom telling the story of visiting my grandmother on my father's side. She passed away when I was 2 years old... though I do have a memory of her. But it is only one memory and not important to this story. :) So mom is talking to Grandma and telling her how "Tracy has the ugliest little fingernails... I don't know where in the world she got them." At which point Grandma raised her hand up to show the exact same fingernails that I possessed on her own hand. And of course she and mom laughed. :) So at least I come by these ugly things naturally. :)

My favorite Christmas movies

My favorite Christmas movies, or movies set during Christmas... in no particular order.

A Christmas Story
I absolutely love the 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TBS. Makes me laugh every time. Plus it's a movie from my generation that is a classic.

Christmas Vacation
I can pretty much watch this one any time it's on also... it is always funny.

The Ref
Not exactly a Christmas movie, but it kind of is... and it is hilarious. 

 Bad Santa
Not for the kids at Christmas... but truly perverse and classic.

There are lots of other ones I'm sure. I never did care for Miracle on 34th Street. And I like It's A Wonderful Life... but mostly for the last scene. But these are the 4 movies I love at Christmas. :)

Loneliness creeps in sometimes.

Loneliness is such an odd thing. It can sneak up on you... because you don't have to be alone to feel it. You can be right next to another human being and suddenly feel so lonely.

I am not one who minds being alone. I'm an introvert. On that personality test they gave us in college I was pretty much off the chart in the introvert scoring. And introverts require time alone to gain their energy. If I am around too many people for too long I need to step away to recharge. So the occasional night or weekend alone is quite lovely. But that is far different from loneliness.

We each have our own battles to fight in this life. And many battles we must fight on our own. Even if we have external help the internal emotional fight is always a solitary one.

I am happy and grateful for a great many things... things now and things to come. But there are moments when it is hard to keep the chin up. But I remember my Mom... she would have found something to laugh about, and then she would get on with the business of living. :) And so shall I. :)

Green-eyed Girl

I've got green eyes. Green with gold flecks actually. I love them. This was not always the case. When I was 16 years old and got contacts for the first time I asked for blue contacts. Somehow I thought they'd be prettier... I didn't feel pretty and somehow thought being a blue eyed girl would make me pretty. I later learned that green eyes were the rarest color. And then I wondered why I thought blue eyes would be better.

I also wonder where I got my green eyes. My mom's eyes were blue. Honestly I'm not positive what color my dad's eyes are. They've had cataract lenses in them as long as I can remember... but I think they were blue or gray or something. But green eyes are recessive. So it's not unusual for a green eyed girl to come from parents without green eyes. And my great grandmother was Irish. She is who I think gave me my pale skin. It makes sense my green eyes could have come from her as well.

Once in college my eye doctor was out of my particular contact lens. But I was out of lenses so he offered me a pair of colored contacts just to get me by until my clear lenses came in stock. I was going to take hazel, but they didn't have my prescription. Blue was no good because I'd had that before (it sounds like me and hair color now... "No, I've had that color! I need a new one!"). But he had some green lenses in my prescription. So I took them. Now think for a moment. I was given green contacts. I wore them over my green eyes. The best reaction I had was someone selling magazine subscriptions door to door. I opened my door and they looked at me and said "Those must be contacts... You would scare the cat!" It was a bit severe, but fun for a couple weeks. The blue contacts I had looked natural... the green on green combo did not. :)

Now I look at pictures of my light eyes and it makes me smile. Sometimes I imagine those light eyes surrounded by wrinkles someday... will the eyes still shine brightly? I hope so.