New Year's Eve 2013 - Look back and forward

I had a strange thought when I woke up this morning. This year, 2012, was the first complete year without my Mom. She didn't get to be here for any of my triumphs or failures. It still hurts to know she won't be here for the years ahead of me. But rather than be sad tonight I'm going to take a look back and a look forward.

2012

This year has been full of ups and downs. My emotions have truly had a rollercoaster ride in 2012... and it's continuing on into 2013. I lost my job. I found another job. I'm still looking for a better job. I got my first group fitness certification and have been teaching with some regularity as a substitute since June. I maintained my weight. Then I gained a little during some stressful times. My living situation has changed. I'm leaving behind an old life... and trying really hard to cobble together something of a new life that is one of my choosing... one that I will love. I'm letting the one life burn down... and I'll rise from those ashes.

2013

I don't really do resolutions. But I do like to have goals. I set goals all year. It isn't just reserved for January... but somehow that calendar flipping is a good tool to say "yeah... let me start working towards this." So this is what I want to work toward this year:

1. Get new group fitness certification (this one is already in motion as I'm going to training on Jan 4th)
2. Get lean... okay, get leaner. :) I do not want to say "lose weight." I really just want to be healthy. I'm 40... I'd like to see what I can look like at 40. I do not want to hear the words "you can't" in my mind when it comes to my health and fitness.
3. Continue banning the words "I can't" from my vocabulary. I firmly believe if you say can't or never then you won't ever.
4. Run an 8K. I've bought my kilt and registered for the race in March... so come hell or highwater I'll be dragging my kilted ass over an 8k finish line this year. :)
5. FIND A NEW JOB! Seriously... new job. You hear that universe? New job.
6. Make a costume to wear to a convention. In a perfect world I'd be Slave Leia. In this world I may end up as Meg Griffin... but that'll be okay too. :)
7. Keep writing. It is hard to put into words why it is helpful to write like I'm doing... but is is helpful to me, mentally and emotionally... and I don't want to disappoint my 10's of readers. LMAO.
8. Laugh a lot. Cry a little. Feel whatever I'm gonna feel. Live my life.

And there you have it... my list, as of today, of stuff to work on in the new year. I reserve the right to add items or delete items from this list as needed. It is my list... I can edit all I want. :)

My mom and The Muppet Movie

Friday night... big plans tonight? Netflix in my room. :) I am pretty happy about this actually. It's cold outside, and I'm grumpy from my week. So I start looking for something to watch. While browsing I happened upon "The Muppet Movie." And I had just the best memory.

It was 1979. I would have been 7 years old. My brother was 9. Mom tells us that she is going to the shoppette, the little convenience store on the air force base, to pick up a couple things. So Brian and I pile into the backseat of the car. We're just hanging out in the back seat as mom drives talking and not paying attention to where we're going. At a certain point I notice that we have not only entered the base from the back gate, but we are now leaving the base through the front gate. We haven't stopped at the shoppette. Brian and I tell Mom she's missed the store. She says "Oh, I guess I wasn't paying attention and just drove by... well, since we're out here in town... we may as well go see The Muppet Movie!!!!" And of course there is a chorus of "yays" and "hurrays" from the back seat of the car.

Yup... a frog on a bike is really funny.

I always remembered that... I remembered the surprise of going to the movie far more than I remembered the actual movie. The one thing about the movie I really remembered was how darned tickled my Mom got when she saw Kermit riding the bicycle. I started the movie... I have no idea how long it's been since I've seen this movie... honestly, it may be the first time since 1979. And I totally get it... that frog on a bicycle is absolutely hysterical.

"Lost? Have you tried Harry Krishna?"

Tales of a geek girl... Star Trek edition

It still gets to me.

"Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most... human."
Capt. Kirk, Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan 

I just watched some of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. I saw the movie the first time when I was 10 years old and it was in the theatres. I only remember a couple things from it. I remember being scared and freaked out by the bugs going in Chekhov's ear. And I remember Spock dying. The death scene at the end, and Kirk's speech at his funeral, still gets me a little teary eyed.

Back then there was no internet. You didn't really know if they were making movies until you saw the preview on television. I can remember being in our den and the preview for Star Trek III, The Search for Spock came on. I clearly remember running through the house yelling for mom... I was yelling "Spock's alive! Spock's alive!" Mom seemed pretty happy about it as I recall, though nowhere near my level of joy. As much as I recognize that Khan is the superior film I have an eternal soft spot for The Search for Spock. 

Live long and prosper. :)
 

New Year's already

I'm quickly transitioning out of the Xmas mood and into a New Year's mood. I'm not a big resolutions person, but I do like to take stock of what I've achieved in the past year and find some focus for what I'd like to achieve in the next year.

I'm wrapping my head around what I need to do to rid myself of a lot of negativity I've been holding onto lately. And it's gonna be work... hard work. But I really think this hard work is the only answer. It's the only answer I can see. The details are far too hard to explain coherently right now. I also think it's too much to put in one post. Perhaps I'll try to explain it within a few posts. And also what I see as my solution.

I just know I have a lot of physical work ahead of me and a lot of self-discipline. But I do believe the mental and emotional payoff will be worth the effort. I hope so anyway... I know I need to make a change.

Christmas traditions... simple and sometimes silly

A friend of mine wrote about Xmas traditions tonight. She said she was worried that she didn't have enough Christmas traditions for her kids. But I agree that you can't really manufacture traditions. The good ones happen organically. Xmas is really about tradition I think. I get together with certain friends for lunch every Xmas. My friend and I always wear silly santa hats at lunch. I usually meet up with Regina for a Xmas shopping/lunch day. 

Well, as it is technically Christmas Eve. I have my favorite tradition happening tonight. I have probably told this story before... but I am telling it again. It is tradition, after all. It is the story of the Christmas Eve frozen pizza.

A year or two after my brother and I learned there was no Santa Claus we suggested to our parents that we should open presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning... that way we could all sleep in on Christmas. We were not, and still are not, morning people. My brother and I also were just impatient to open our gifts.

So one year Mom and Dad told us that we could open presents Christmas Eve, but Brian and I had to fix supper and clean up afterwards. Then we would open gifts. Well... what do two kids who want to eat and clean as quickly as possible do for supper? Frozen pizza. So year after year we would fix frozen pizza on Xmas eve... we each had 2 slices, we quickly cleaned up, and we ran for the den. :)

We have upgraded a bit. My brother gets us these awesome gourmet pizzas that are unbaked which we bake at the house. But it is still Xmas eve pizza. :) It sucks with mom gone... and I am sure some day I'll have traditions with other people.

My mom was a gift giving guru at times... I at least try. :)

I like to think I'm a pretty good gift giver. I pay attention to what people like. I keep Christmas gifts in mind throughout the year. Once in a while I'll give a gift that is pretty darned awesome... one that is actually remembered down the road. My mom has given me a few such gifts. One was Ape, my favorite stuffed animal, that I wrote about previously. Here is a story of another... possibly the coolest gift she ever gave me.

To have you understand the coolness of this gift we have to go back... way back. I'm going to guess I was somewhere between 14 and 16 years old. I was at the Pizza Inn in Goldsboro (the old one near the skating rink... the one with carousel horses in it... just a tidbit for those of you from the area) with my family. We were up at the register paying when mom and I started talking to a woman in line. She had the most incredible bracelet on. Apparently she was a huge Marilyn Monroe fan. Her husband had this bracelet custom made for her. It had small pictures of Marilyn Monroe all around it. I think it may have been gold. It was definitely expensive. Obviously we never saw another bracelet like it... it was a custom piece after all. And by the time I started college it was pretty much wiped from my memory.

Gift Giving Guru at work

So 20 years later or so... I think I was around 35 years old... I was home at Christmas. I opened one of my presents and saw a piece of jewelry. It was a piece of costume jewelry. It had various photos of Marilyn Monroe on it. I looked at it in a somewhat confused manner. I liked it, but I had no memory of the one we saw when I was a kid... though something seemed familiar. I looked up at mom who had a look of anticipation on her face... she was just waiting for me to remember. She starts reminding me a bit about the woman years ago... and I start smiling. Mom had apparently started looking for something like it a couple years... yes, a couple years... before!

I've only worn it a few times. I don't do bracelets much... they tend to make my arm itch. But I pull it out and look at it often. This cheap piece of costume jewelry is the epitome of "it's the thought that counts." So much thought went into this gift. And it was just the best present she ever gave me.

Every stuffed animal has a story

My buddy Ape

As a kid I had stuffed animals as toys. My brother and I had cabinets in the den filled with nothing but stuff animals. We used to open the hide-a-bed, lift the part near the head, hide down behind it (inside the couch), and hold the animals up over the top to perform plays with them. Some of the animals got to sleep in the bed with me. They were an endless source of fun for our imaginations.

As an adult I have a handful of stuffed animals left. And if you keep stuffed animals as an adult... well each one has a story. This is the story of my favorite. His name is Ape.

When I was a kid somewhere between 12 and 14 years old I think, too old to still get stuffed animals as Christmas presents and too old to still put on plays with the stuffed animals I still had, my mom and I went shopping for the grandkids. Mom had her list. This was back when they were easy to buy gifts for... they were all young enough we would just hit the stuffed animal aisle and boom... we were done!

So we are looking through the toys when we locate this amazingly cool ape. We both got big eyes when we saw him. I imagine I raved about him quite a bit. We picked one of the boys on the list and checked him off. Well, it was a bit before we wrapped the presents. I kept picking the little ape up and playing with him, though at 13 or 14 years old that just meant sitting on the couch holding him and talking about how awesome a stuffed animal he was. One day I came home from school, and Mom had wrapped all the presents, packed them up in brown boxes, wrapped those boxes in old paper garbage bags (remember when people did that!), and shipped them off to their various destinations. I was kind of bummed that the ape was gone, but I knew the grandson would enjoy the toy.

We get to Christmas Eve... we are taking turns opening our presents. On one of my turns I open up a box and you guessed it... Ape was staring back at me! I'm not sure a Christmas present has ever surprised me more. I probably had the look of a woman opening a box with a big ass diamond in it or something. I laughed and hugged the stupid Ape... Mom had gone out and gotten the grandson something else and totally duped me.

I still own Ape... he looks at me out of the corner of his eyes. He's dirty... not sure how to wash him really. I imagine some of his discoloration is smoke stains while some is just age. He is plenty old enough to drink, that's for sure! He's the one toy I refuse to part with... he makes me think of Mom and how much she cared. :)

My geek side is here to stay

Leia and Kirk? That guy can get any girl! :)

I love Star Wars. I love Star Trek. I love science fiction in general. I love Monty Python. I grew up watching these things. I am also a huge fan of action films. I do love a good fight scene. And yet I spent a number of years of my adult life not watching any of these things. I found myself in a long term relationship where that part of me was not understood... not appreciated. Now, it's not like I started out saying "Oh, I'm not going to watch these things and I'll just ignore this part of my personality." But it wasn't a shared interest. And, quite honestly, being a girl and wanting to get along I deferred to watch things that we both liked... or that he liked. I just always kind of assumed I'd get my stuff worked in somewhere along the way.

I also grew up in a household with parents who liked to watch different things. Mom liked movies. Dad liked sports. My mom said that the key to a happy marriage was 2 TV sets. Of course I ended up dating someone who basically wanted to be Velcroed to my side all the time... so no 2 TVs were gonna happen.

I've been out of that relationship for 3 years now. And the idea of neglecting parts of my personality seems ridiculous. I can't even fathom how I ever let my geek side disappear for so damn long. These days I go to sci-fi conventions, I watch almost nothing but action and sci-fi flicks... I still love a good romantic comedy, but good romantic comedies are few and far between. Most of them suck ass these days.

Compromise is a necessary component in relationships, platonic and romantic alike. But there should not be compromise on personality. Someone either likes you or they don't. They accept you or they don't. And in my life if you don't... well, there's the door. :)

How I, as a kid, learned about violence in the world

I've seen a lot of things online during the past few days about people talking to their kids about the killings in Connecticut. Now before I give my story please know I am not discounting how scary this thing must be for kids and parents alike. And I'm not talking about kids who were at the school where it happened. That's an entirely different issue. Also, I'm not a parent... but I'm a kid who had a parent who explained scary things to me. So for kids in the world at large who read about it on the internet or hear about it on TV this is how I can relate to it: I'd forgotten about this for a long time... until today.

When I was in 4th grade I was just a little 10 year old at St. Mary's School in Goldsboro. Life was pretty normal. The real world was the playground... and scary things weren't that scary in retrospect. There was a kindly old lady who worked in the office of the school. Her name was Goldie I think. I believe she was in her 60s. I still remember what she looked like. She was overweight with salt and pepper hair. She wore big glasses which were normal at the time. I remember this... but not from knowing her in person. I remember her black and white photo in the "memorial page" in our yearbook that year. You see that year Goldie had someone break into her home. He tied her up. He raped her. He killed her. This is how I learned about rape. This is how I learned about real violence. I can remember asking my mom about it... I asked her lots of questions. I had a rudimentary understanding of sex at best. And I was trying to understand why a man in his 20s would want to have sex with a woman in her 60s. I can remember my mom explaining how rape was not about sex or desire... it was about power. Yes... my mother explained these things to me plainly and compassionately when I was 10 years old. I won't ever know if she wrestled with how to explain these things to me, but I kind of doubt it. She would have talked to me like a person and tried to help me understand. I am sure she hated for me to learn about violence in the world. But it exists. And learning about it in the safety of my home was okay when I look back on it.

I remember that I was scared. It was somewhere around that time I learned that the KKK hated Catholics. Mom told me this information also. I remember us seeing some place in town where the KKK was known to meet... and Mom mentioned the Catholic hatred thing. I suspect she didn't realize this was gonna scare me... but it did. Yet another real world thing to fear. I was Catholic, and suddenly I was scared I'd wake up one night and there would be a burning cross in my yard.

I'm not saying that the violence of the world is okay. I certainly don't think it's okay what happened in Connecticut. But I also know that kids are resilient... again I speak of children distantly removed from the actual shootings. I suspect it'll be a rough road for those involved. So I hope parents just explain everything as simply and honestly as they can... even if the explanation is "I don't know why." Kids will meet the real world eventually... I think parents can just hold their hand for a while as they learn about it.

My good old Dad

My favorite pic of me and Dad in Seward, AK 

I talk a lot about my Mom. She was a huge influence on my life and just about my favorite person ever. But I don't mean to neglect my Dad in all my talks. He has been the rock of my life. Mom and Dad provided me with the most stable, fun, happy, loving home life anyone ever dream about having. I can't say for sure but from my vantage point Mom and Dad were always solid. And I never worried about that changing. Mom said she loved Dad because he made her laugh every day. And Dad seemed to just love Mom... no reason necessary. They weren't overly affectionate, but they obviously liked each other. And that is ultimately the most important thing when it comes to a long term relationship... at least that's how it seems to me.

Anyway, back to my dad... he called me Tricky Ann growing up. If he saw me in the morning he'd always say "Morning Glory." I was the 8th kid he had... and he was 42 when I was born. So I had a dad a lot older than most. And I'm so fortunate to still have my dad 40 years later.

Every time we would walk into a restaurant the hostess would see our group and say "3?" Dad would say "14." And then we'd all laugh. Or they'd ask him what he wanted to drink and he'd say "decaffeinated water" just to mess with them. He'd fart in the living room and casually look over at me and say "What'd you say?" He is a funny guy... silly through and through.

My dad's influence on my life is more subtle than my mom's. But I love him endlessly. He is what made our home feel safe and secure.

Birthday cards

When Mom got her iMac she used to love playing around with software... and I quit getting store bought cards. This was a birthday card she and Dad mailed me a few years ago. I miss getting stuff like this. Loved her more than words can say.

Assholes who kill children do not deserve fame

Yesterday an asshole walked into a school and killed children and teachers. I don't care to know about this asshole. He should remain faceless and nameless. There is no way this waste of space did this without the intention of becoming famous. I do not think he should get his wish. I appreciate that a lot of news websites are focusing on the heroic actions of teachers both alive and deceased. I appreciate it because it is where the focus should be. If we will all just ignore the piece of shit who committed this horrible act then maybe other pieces of shit won't follow in his steps.

I am not a parent. The reasons I have chosen to not have children are many. I can truly say that one of them is that I do not think I could handle losing a child. And there is no guarantee to outlive children. Every bit of me hurts thinking about the parents who are having to deal with the death of their child... the death of the dreams they had for their child... the death of their life as they knew it. It breaks my heart.

So I will not read about this asshole. I want to forget his name. I want to forget his existence. He doesn't deserve to go down in history.

Ramblings about dressing up

I bought a party dress tonight... I am very excited. I rarely get to dress up. I have a Xmas party to go to tomorrow and was going to have to piece together something to wear. But now I've got an awesome dress.

My mom spent many, many years of her life wearing jeans and sweatshirts while raising kids. When she started working again when I was 10 years old she seemed to take a lot of joy in buying suits with skirts to wear to the office. This was back in the day when people actually dressed up to go to work. She also tended towards high heels... usually 3" heels. And she loved heeled knee boots.

I remember mom had a beautiful green velvet mini-dress... it had long sleeves and a high neck with lace at the top. She wore a black and white cameo at the neck. It was something she wore to Christmas parties. I think at some point she thought it was too short, though Mom had killer legs, but maybe the length didn't seem age appropriate anymore. She took the dress apart and bought some black velvet and remade it in a longer length. I thought it was pretty cool of her... but the green velvet was prettier material. 

I tend toward the casual. Jeans are my favorite things. And I have kind of bad feet since I hit my 30s. They like to get tendinitis if I'm not careful. But I love heels too. And if I dress up... I like to feel dressed up... and that includes some type of heel. I still can't manage the stripper heels that are popular right now. But I've got some black boots with a chunky heel that I can manage for a few hours. :) I've no doubt Mom would advise me to wear my little dress with bare legs and heels... but true to my own style I'll stick with opaque tights and boots.

I did have to ask a nice lady in the dressing room if the dress made me look pregnant... it has a slight empire waist and is a little loose from that point down. But the woman looked at me like I was certifiably insane and said "Not even a little bit." It was seriously the best reaction I could have asked for. I mean... she has no clue of my body issues. For all she knows I am pregnant and just don't want it to show. But the fact she seemed to think I was crazy for asking... like "no way you look remotely chubby" kind of look... it made me happy. And no... thank goodness... I'm not pregnant. :)

Mom's sneaky goodbye

"Bye."

Back in August of 2011 my brother Nick came to visit my parents. I went home to visit too since I don't get to see him often. As we were all leaving Mom wanted me to take a picture of her and Dad on the back porch waving. It was always a tradition with them that as one of us drove off we all waved frantically until we were out of sight. So they'd stand there and wave until the car was out of sight and weather permitting we would have an arm out waving also. And for some reason mom insisted on having this picture taken. I took it for them, and didn't think much else about it.

Skip forward to November. Mom has passed away. I am still home with Dad. I remember the picture and ask my sister if she knows where it is. She said it was on their computer somewhere. I start looking for it... and Mom has it on the desktop. And the title of the file is simply "Bye." I remember seeing it and thinking "You're shitting me." I opened it and there she was... waving goodbye. I think I laughed a little and cried a little at it.

A fleeting glimpse at the best of me

I had a strange feeling tonight. And I'm not quite sure I can explain it fully. I was driving away from the gym, and I just had this undeniable feeling of being me again. And it wasn't until I felt that feeling that I was even aware just how much that feeling had been eluding me lately. I haven't been walking around thinking "Gosh, I don't feel like myself." But suddenly I was filled up with this, I don't know, sense of "being me."

I realize I am carrying a great deal of stress right now. And it definitely isn't gone at the moment. But over the weekend I moved. And other than the actual moving day which was hectic as hell I had a nice weekend... very much thanks to a supportive friend and roommate. And I started to feel settled. I can almost... almost... see a light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Then Monday I started my new routine of commuting from Cary. It is further, but it forces me to take my gym clothes with me and go to the gym directly after work. This does a couple things... first of all, I can't get home and think "oh, I will lay down and nap instead of changing clothes and going to the gym." Secondly, it gives traffic a chance to die down before I drive home. Both great things!

So last night I went to a class at 5:30pm after work. And I had so many people hug me and seemed so happy to see me. It just made my day. I hadn't realized how my lack of being at the gym regularly had been noticed.  A friend said how the people at the gym... we are like a little family. And I felt part of that last night. I actually felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

Then tonight, due to encouragement from the teacher on Facebook, I stopped in a spinning class for 15 minutes before going and teaching in the hot yoga room. And I had 10 people show up. A normal class is about 5 people. We were bursting at the seams in that room. And that was pretty darned fun for me.

So I was driving away, and it just felt somehow like finding this new routine, and getting back to my physical activity... I was finding my way back to me just a little bit. The feeling was fleeting, but it was real. And it is a reminder to me to keep moving forward. And that the gym truly is a place that brings out the best of me. :)

My cluttered, knick knacked life: Need vs. Love

Years ago I was watching some show where they toured celebrities homes and talked to the celebrity about all their nice stuff. The one I remember is the actress Jennifer Tilly (who I remember from Liar, Liar and as the voice of the Bride of Chucky, even though I never saw that movie). She is part Chinese and was showing some beautiful Chinese antiques she owned. But I remember her saying that she only had things in her home that she fit one of two criteria. 1. She needed them. 2. She loved them. And that has stuck with me.

I have a lot of clutter. An absolute shitload of knick knacks. I take after my folks I suppose. Their house is seriously knick knacked out. Years ago I quit buying them anything for Christmas other than candy because they didn't have any shelf space left for figurines. But I'm in the middle of a Phoenix cycle in life (see earlier post (My life as a phoenix). I'm not sure where the burning down ends and the rebuilding starts... it kind of feels overlapped, but I suppose hindsight will show me the whole thing with more clarity. But one of the parts of this cycle is me moving... officially tomorrow. All my furniture will be in my new place. All that will be left in my old place is the clutter and knick knackery to clean up.

And here is where I feel I have to inflict some pain to have a truly fresh start. I'm going to have to be a little harsh with what I keep. I certainly don't need boxes of crap that have been sitting in the back of my closet for 11 years. And how much in those boxes do I really love? I have to find a line between what I love and what I just really, really like. Does sentimental value equal love? I have an ugly old wooden cow clock that Mom and Dad built/painted for me when I was in college (I had a thing for cow spotted things which turned into a full blown "let's give her cow themed gifts" cycle for a few years). But it's ugly. I won't use it. But they made it for me... my amazing parents made it for me. So do I pay for storage space for this stuff? I don't know... it's a tough call. It's not like ridding myself of stuff diminishes my feelings. But sometimes finding items rekindles memories you'd forgotten.

So the next month should be a tough adventure... clearing out all the crap once I get the necessities in place. Fingers crossed I can stay strong and really give myself a clean break. :)

Mom the Elf!

Cathy the Elf!

My mom made things happen. She started a children's Christmas party at her office. She worked at the 4th Civil Engineering Squadron on Seymour Johnson Air Force Base. She was more than a secretary, but simplicity's sake, she was a secretary for about 40 engineers. One year she decided to have a Christmas party on Saturday for everyone's kids. Basically they had a bunch of little games like pin the tail and guess how many M&Ms are in a jar. They had a bunch of snacks. And then Santa and his elf would show up with a big bag full of presents. Everyone would bring a present to work already wrapped for their kid. And then when Santa came out he had a gift with each kid's name on it (there was always some turd of a parent who would buy a $200 gift when Mom told everyone to do a $10 present... but whatcha gonna do?).

She never said so, but I think Mom was really proud of those Christmas parties. I know I was always happy to go help her with the party... even after my sad stint as the elf. I would just hang out and help keep the snacks filled, etc... even as an adult I'd go sometimes. I like to think some of those kids remember them, and maybe remember her as well.

Mom's piano

My brother and I at the first piano.

We had a piano growing up. I took lessons for a couple years, but was not great. I'm tone deaf and didn't get far enough to sight read sheet music or anything. But I enjoyed it. When mom and dad moved back in 1996 they sold the piano to some church for the same thing they'd paid for it probably 15-20 years before... about $200 I think... that's just how they were... they weren't looking to make a buck.

Well, a few years went by, and mom decided she missed having a piano. So they bought a new one. I think they paid over $1000 for it. Mom took some lessons, but again the piano didn't get much use. Well, one day at work I get this email from mom after a guy had been at the house to install their new dishwasher.
This is what my mom was like every day of her life. :)

Heh,

Well, the new dishwasher is in and the guy is gone.  You know how everybody has a story - well, this guy lived in Boston and a few years back he got sick.  He had to have an operation which took out about 12' of his colon.  Then he found out that the company he worked for didn't pay for recovery time, etc.  Because he couldn't work until he fully recovered, he had no income and lost his house thru foreclosure.  He did research on line as to places he could move to and ended up moving to NC.

They rented a house in Clayton and about 18 months ago the house burned to the ground.  They had no renter's insurance and totally lost everything.  On top of all of that, they still have a 12 year old little girl at home; plus, have custody of 2 grandchildren ages 4 and 6.  So, he pretty much works non-stop to pay the bills.  His wife also works.

Anyway, he had to use the bathroom and when he walked by - he said who plays the piano.  I said no one.  My daughter use to play.  He asked if he could play something.  OMG, he totally transformed into this totally relaxed person and was actually in "hot heaven".  How he loves playing the piano.  He said after the fire he looked to find any part of the piano - but the fire was so intense that it destroyed it totally.

After hearing him play and watching him, I asked him if he wanted the piano.  OMG, I thought he was going to cry.  He is so excited.  Bottom line, he will be here on Sunday to take it away.

I know I will never learn to play it and it is just collecting dust.  So, that's the story of the day.

Love ya

Fingernails that skipped a generation

My mom had really pretty hands. Her fingers were very slender and she had long, lovely fingernails. I used to watch her clean the old polish off her nails. And I'd watch her paint her nails. And even with fingernails (not crazy long, but they were nails) she typed 110 words per minute.

I did not inherit this from her. I have really short, really soft nails. I pick at them constantly. My toenails are so tiny they are practically non-existent. I pick them too if I'm not wearing socks. It's a bit of an OCD thing for me. And once in high school I decided to take all the energy I used to pick my nails and use that energy to keep them nice... I hoped they'd look like mom's. I was quite wrong! When my nails finally started to grow tips they flattened out and kind of curved upward. Plus my OCD was kicking in and I was "clicking" my nails together constantly. I'd click my thumbnail against my finger nails... and the sound was like nails on a chalkboard. So I finally just ripped them all off... and I was happy. I still rip them to shreds. But it's an OCD I can live with without much issue.

Now I do remember my mom telling the story of visiting my grandmother on my father's side. She passed away when I was 2 years old... though I do have a memory of her. But it is only one memory and not important to this story. :) So mom is talking to Grandma and telling her how "Tracy has the ugliest little fingernails... I don't know where in the world she got them." At which point Grandma raised her hand up to show the exact same fingernails that I possessed on her own hand. And of course she and mom laughed. :) So at least I come by these ugly things naturally. :)

My favorite Christmas movies

My favorite Christmas movies, or movies set during Christmas... in no particular order.

A Christmas Story
I absolutely love the 24 hours of a Christmas Story on TBS. Makes me laugh every time. Plus it's a movie from my generation that is a classic.

Christmas Vacation
I can pretty much watch this one any time it's on also... it is always funny.

The Ref
Not exactly a Christmas movie, but it kind of is... and it is hilarious. 

 Bad Santa
Not for the kids at Christmas... but truly perverse and classic.

There are lots of other ones I'm sure. I never did care for Miracle on 34th Street. And I like It's A Wonderful Life... but mostly for the last scene. But these are the 4 movies I love at Christmas. :)

Loneliness creeps in sometimes.

Loneliness is such an odd thing. It can sneak up on you... because you don't have to be alone to feel it. You can be right next to another human being and suddenly feel so lonely.

I am not one who minds being alone. I'm an introvert. On that personality test they gave us in college I was pretty much off the chart in the introvert scoring. And introverts require time alone to gain their energy. If I am around too many people for too long I need to step away to recharge. So the occasional night or weekend alone is quite lovely. But that is far different from loneliness.

We each have our own battles to fight in this life. And many battles we must fight on our own. Even if we have external help the internal emotional fight is always a solitary one.

I am happy and grateful for a great many things... things now and things to come. But there are moments when it is hard to keep the chin up. But I remember my Mom... she would have found something to laugh about, and then she would get on with the business of living. :) And so shall I. :)

Green-eyed Girl

I've got green eyes. Green with gold flecks actually. I love them. This was not always the case. When I was 16 years old and got contacts for the first time I asked for blue contacts. Somehow I thought they'd be prettier... I didn't feel pretty and somehow thought being a blue eyed girl would make me pretty. I later learned that green eyes were the rarest color. And then I wondered why I thought blue eyes would be better.

I also wonder where I got my green eyes. My mom's eyes were blue. Honestly I'm not positive what color my dad's eyes are. They've had cataract lenses in them as long as I can remember... but I think they were blue or gray or something. But green eyes are recessive. So it's not unusual for a green eyed girl to come from parents without green eyes. And my great grandmother was Irish. She is who I think gave me my pale skin. It makes sense my green eyes could have come from her as well.

Once in college my eye doctor was out of my particular contact lens. But I was out of lenses so he offered me a pair of colored contacts just to get me by until my clear lenses came in stock. I was going to take hazel, but they didn't have my prescription. Blue was no good because I'd had that before (it sounds like me and hair color now... "No, I've had that color! I need a new one!"). But he had some green lenses in my prescription. So I took them. Now think for a moment. I was given green contacts. I wore them over my green eyes. The best reaction I had was someone selling magazine subscriptions door to door. I opened my door and they looked at me and said "Those must be contacts... You would scare the cat!" It was a bit severe, but fun for a couple weeks. The blue contacts I had looked natural... the green on green combo did not. :)

Now I look at pictures of my light eyes and it makes me smile. Sometimes I imagine those light eyes surrounded by wrinkles someday... will the eyes still shine brightly? I hope so.

In search of creativity

Well, today is November 30th... my 30th blog post in 30 days. I'm pretty excited to have finished the month. I'm extending my "blog a day" goal through the end of December. I'm enjoying it even if hardly anyone is reading it. It makes me feel creative.

I am hoping to get a camera for myself this next year. Not a point and shoot. I want a DSLR. It is another outlet for creativity. I find myself craving outlets for creativity in my life these days. I don't want to just be an observer all the time. I want to participate, and by creating I have something to show for it... even if it's just showing it to myself.

One of Mom's paintings

My mother started painting in her 50s. She really enjoyed it. And then one day she seemed to run out of things to paint, or was no longer interested, and the stuff got put in the closet. After she died we found a whole box of canvases with her paintings on them... stuff she either didn't finish or didn't like enough to display. It was a lot of fun to look through. Then in her 60s she started tap dancing. She'd not been a dancer... she was a beginner in her 60s. But quickly they moved her from the beginner class to join The Silver  Tappers. And then she was showing newbies how to tap and even choreographing for the group. She even made costumes for them.

I look back now and see that Mom and I are alike in this too. She reached a point where she'd raised her kids and her job was not a challenge. She needed to be creative. And she went out and did something about it. I like this. It encourages me to try. The worst that can happen with any endeavor is failure. And failure is really isn't that big a deal... it either makes you work harder, or it leads you to something else. :)

The Potential of 2013

I do not believe in New Year's resolutions. I do believe that every day is a day to make good choices, to work towards goals, both new and old. Every day in our life is a chance to be a bit more of who we want to be. And every day is a chance to smile and laugh. And if yesterday didn't work out, then each day can be a new beginning.

It is almost December... and I am looking toward 2013 with a lot of things I'd like to do. I'm not picking it because it's the New Year. I'm looking at 2013 because it will be a time when I will start to feel a little settled again... hopefully. And quite honestly I need some potentially happy things to look toward.

So here it is... my very incomplete list (subject to constant tinkering) of things I have planned for 2013:

1. Cook meals at home more.
2. Eat out less (a consequence of  #1).
3. Drop the weight I've picked up at the end of this year (this will be directly related to #1 and #2).
4. Get new Les Mills certification (this is looking to be accomplished the first weekend of January! Yay!).
5. Create first costume... embracing my total geek side. I want to make a Steampunk Wonder Woman costume.
6. Try sewing my own yoga clothes.
7. Continue looking for a new job... hopefully find one. :)
8. Save money for a good Nikon.
9. Be awesome.
10. End the year healthier and2013 happier than I start it.

Lottery time! My ridiculously mundane plans if I win (which I won't). :)

Tonight is the big ass lottery drawing! Yes, I bought a ticket (2 actually). No, I have no expectation of winning. But it is fun to think about what I would do if I won. Assuming I didn't end up one of those sad sack cases whose life is ruined by the money it would go something like this:

1. Freak out. Freak out some more. Compare my ticket about 150 times to the numbers online. Freak out.
2. Get paranoid... immediately find a safety deposit box and stick that ticket in it... after filling out my name and address on the back.
3. All the technical stuff, financial advisor, lawyer, etc.
4. Collect money, promptly disappear for a while.
5. Make a list of all my friends and family, and give them a million bucks each. Then tell them not to ask me for anything else. :)
6. Buy a car that is reliable.
7. Travel.
8. Chill out.
9. Still write my blog. :)

Yes, this is a boring list... but it's what I would do. My mom used to buy us lottery tickets for Xmas, especially when they would have the big ones... I remember getting a $20 ticket from her once. I always thought it would be cool to win that way. She would have given most of it to her kids, I think... I bet she wouldn't have even moved out of her house into another one.

So that's my boring lottery win. Maybe you'll see me on TV. And you'll think... dammit she's just gonna buy a Honda or something... what a waste! :)

The Douchebaggery of Chris Brown and Rihanna

I am severely annoyed. What is annoying me today? Well... I am incredibly annoyed by Rihanna and Chris Brown. I have to say that they are a couple of total douchebags. I know... I've never met them. But let me explain my feelings.

Chris Brown: I think this one is pretty easy to understand. He is an asshole with anger management issues who beat his girlfriend badly enough to send her to the hospital. That's basically all I need to know. And I have yet to see anything to show that he's even remotely reformed himself. Why should he change when idiotic women tweet things about how they'd take a beating from him if they could have sex with him... sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Rihanna: Perhaps I should have some sympathy. But I don't. I don't because she keeps going around in interviews talking about how she likes to be submissive and crap in her relationships and in the bedroom... and this is why she goes back to Douche... I mean Chris. I totally get the concept of someone being submissive and liking a dominant partner... but she is a f*cking moron. Wanting to have someone be dominant in the bedroom DOES NOT EQUAL BEING ABUSED. I blame all this stupid "50 Shades of Gray" bullsh*t making the rounds right now. The fictional character of Christian Grey can kiss my ass. Relationships should include trust and safety. AND BEING BEATEN AND SENT TO THE HOSPITAL by a douche canoe isn't safe and it has nothing to do with trust.

Perhaps I am the naive one in the world... thinking that good relationships of any kind... romantic, platonic, familial, whatever... should be about trust and safety. That you should trust the people close to you to look out for you physically, emotionally, and mentally. That you should trust them not to get pissed off and use your face as a punching bag... how selfish of me for liking my face the way it is.

I've been the codependent with a partner who emotionally manipulated me for years... it didn't seem like abuse. It seemed normal. And he wasn't consciously trying to hurt me. But looking back when you start thinking "if they would just hit me... then I could leave" then there is something fundamentally wrong. You are being abused... and you should leave.

So I have some shred of understanding for Rihanna, but I don't have sympathy. I have this sad feeling in the pit of my stomach that we will see her battered face again on TV someday... or worse. I hope not... but it worries me. But her life is her choice. I just wish she'd shut the f*ck up because she has influence on kids... whether she wants it or not it comes with the territory of fame.

I also wish music producers would quit working with them both. Rihanna has like 153 songs on the radio... and every damn one of them is catchy as hell. But I've started boycotting them both. As much as I like the songs... I turn the channel now. I've deleted them from my iTunes. I hear they have a duet coming out. I won't be listening... douchebags.

Food, moving, and whining

I really shouldn't eat fast food. I left work today, stopped by the store where my brother works and picked up a couple empty boxes. I ran into Kmart for a minute, then hit some fast food on the way home. Plan? Eat some dinner (because I was hungry) while watching a little TV. Then pack a couple boxes. But what happened? I ate crap. Now I feel lethargic and sad. And I know damn well part of it is due to the food I ate.

This is how I sound these days. :)

Oh... and I hate moving. Packing sucks. Moving sucks.

Okay... now that I'm done whining publicly I can get moving and pack my couple of boxes.

Thank you for your attention. :)

Okay... my life is a mess, but it has potential. Now if my brain would shut up that would be great.

My brain will not shut down sometimes. I wonder if it's from hormones. Then I decide no... it's my real life keeping your brain busy as shit. Sometimes it really is hormones... but not tonight.

In 2 weeks I'll have officially moved out of my house. I'll have a roommate. I'll have a room to hide out in when I need it, but I won't be able to "go home" when I want to be alone. I'll no longer be living in a section of town I've known like the back of my hand since about 1998.

I'm nervous, scared, excited, sad, depressed, anxious... not just about the move, but about my life. I feel all of the emotions sometimes at the same time... sometimes bouncing from one to the next. Often I feel like a failure as I walk away from one life and try to build another. Sometimes I see it as a great opportunity for adventure.

I wonder what my mom would think of my choices. Some days I'm almost glad she's not here to ask because I don't know if she'd approve. Even if she didn't she'd support my choice... but it always felt better to get a "that's a good idea" pat on the back from her.

So this holiday season I will do like I always do... I will enjoy the lights, the music, my tree... I will enjoy getting gifts for my friends and family. And I will do my best to look forward to 2013 and the potential it holds.

Xmas tree saga 2012: The R2-D2 tree

The R2-D2 tree, Xmas 2012

This is the story of the Xmas tree I decorated for this year. 

I am frugal. I fully admit this. And I don't think it's a bad thing. I buy things on sale, I look for good deals, and I buy Xmas stuff after season. And I had, had, the best Xmas tree deal ever until...

Now let me step back to the summer. I lost my job in May of this year. I had packed all my personal stuff I'd hoarded at work over a 7 year period into my car including a big box of Xmas decorations, a really tacky multi-colored tinsel tree, and a 6 foot tall slim-line green artificial tree that I'd purchased at Target a couple years back after Xmas for $5.00. Yup... a $5.00 Xmas tree... and it was awesome.

So all this stuff is in my car, and when I get home I unload most of it... most of it... I don't think I really had anywhere to store my Xmas tree, though, so I left it in my trunk and figured I'd sort it out later. Then I forgot about it.

A couple weeks go by and on a Wednesday morning I am asked to teach at the gym at 10:20am. It was raining so I pulled into a spot close to the front instead of where I usually park way towards the back so I can use my legs. :) I try not to take my wonderfully working legs for granted. ;)

I leave the gym an hour later, and didn't even look at my car as I got to it. I drove to the front parking lot to hit Chipotle for some lunch. On my way out I notice that my tail light has been completely smooshed in... the light still works... but the red coating is broken off and the metal of the car is bent into the trunk. There happened to be a Raleigh Police officer parked next to me and he told me it hadn't happened at Chipotle. We went back to the back parking lot and found pieces of the red from my light in the parking lot. That's right, some douchebag had hit my car and left. And of course I find out the cameras in the parking lot are running, but not recording.

One of the side effects of this collision is that my trunk won't open. And being broke and unemployed I don't have the money to fix it.

Flash forward to November... my roommate is game to put up a tree... especially when I say I'm gonna use R2-D2 lights on it. I start telling about my awesome $5 tree and how it'll fit so well in the apartment. So I go back to my place (I haven't actually moved yet), and start gathering my Xmas stuff. Wait... where is my $5 tree? Oh... fudddggeee... that's right motherf*ckers... it's held hostage in my trunk... which is now surely moldy as crap.

So thank you douchebag... thank you for the Xmas love that you started back in the summertime.

I got my 2nd choice tree out... it was bought for $10 in Goldsboro maybe 15 years ago. I was with my mom when I found it so that's a decent memory. It's a shorty tree, though, so it had to sit on a box. I gave it a good treatment... I pulled together a look I hadn't done before. White garland (which kind of goes with the r2-d2 lights, blue bulbs, glittered icicle decorations, some other glittery gold and green bulbs, plus some red bulbs which I decided represent Darth Maul (love me some Ray Park).

So I am happy to have a tree up this year. It's gonna be a busy, rough month... and something as simple as R2-D2 lights on a tree actually help because they make me smile.

The life of a Xmas tree: Part 2

This is the 2nd Thanksgiving in a row now that I haven't gotten to put up the Xmas tree at Mom and Dad's house. The loss of this tradition hurts me quite a bit, but I understand Dad not wanting to do it. But I will miss it until I can find my own tradition. So in lieu of actually putting it up I'll at least describe the process which is fun in its own way.

Our Christmas Tree

I helped Mom put up the tree every year that I can remember. I'm sure I started when I was very young, hanging the bulbs that I could reach. Mom and I had a very specific order to how we put the tree together. It is possible that I threw my OCD on this a bit as I got older... or perhaps it was the Catholic kid in me that liked the ritual of it. I eventually took it over completely, and Mom got to just sit and laugh about how fast I was. But this is how it went:

1. Assemble tree. I was lightning quick at this. This was the type of tree with a wooden pole in the center with color coded holes. Then the wire ends on the branches were painted with color so you knew what order to put them on. I tend to be a hands on type gal so as soon as I was old enough I pretty much took over the assembly process. And if anyone helped I felt like I was the supervisor... whether I really was or not I'm not sure."

2. Lights, multi-colored, non-flashing... flashing lights gave mom a headache and they give me one too.

3. Silver garland. Then it's ready for the real OCD treatment.

4. Angel on top.

5. My brother and I each had an ornament... silk bulbs. I'm not sure why they were "ours" other than mom said they were. Mine was pink and Bri's was blue. Those go on first.

6. Blue bulbs. Yup, the 40 year old blue bulbs were the next to hang. Those get evenly spaced around the tree.

7. Gingerbread men with our names on them.

8. Clear plastic angels.

9. Red strawberries.

10. Flashbulb (remember those!) covered in glitter that I made in Brownies. It hangs in a very specific spot on the tree in the front.

11. Weebles, tea cup, mini barbie, various other toys turned into ornaments... we hung them in the back. They made ugly ornaments, but mom liked having reminders of our childhood.

12. Everything else until the tree was literally bursting with stuff.

What's really funny is that if I go back through all my Xmas pictures over the years the tree looks the same every single year. It's kind of awesome really. :)

Shirtless, mustached celebrities with their dogs? Ooh Ooh! :)

Apparently this is supposed to impress me. 

Let me say, first and foremost, I am not one who finds Channing Tatum attractive. I kind of want to see 21 Jumpstreet because I have heard he is funny. But in general he just doesn't do anything at all for me in the "sexy" department. And really? A wifebeater? He gets to be the sexiest man alive and they give him a wifebeater? I kind of like that his shoulders are freckled. Still not sexy, but kind of different. Now, Channing lovers, don't hate me. I don't think anything badly of the man. It's just not my thing.

But to the point... I have posted this, not because of Channing and his come-hither look... no, I posted it because of the "Plus" text on this cover. If you can't read it let me spell it out for you:

"PLUS Affleck, Beckham, Gosling, and more! We've got 'em shirtless, mustached - and with their dogs!"

What... the... f*ck? Is this a bizarre bit of marketing to anyone but me? Is it possible a woman signed off on this or was in the creative process?

Personally I'm picturing a room full of douchey middle-aged dudes sitting around a conference room brainstorming... they've decided on old Tatum after probably hearing about all the girls nights out that happened over Magic Mike. Here's how I imagine the conversation:

"How can we get all these women to buy our magazine? What can we say to get them if they don't like the Magic Mike in his Magic Wifebeater?
 "Ooh... "shirtless?"
"Yes!"
"Wait... mustaches! Chicks love Magnum P.I!"
"Yes... mustaches! Perfect!"
"Wait... what about the sensitive hippie Peta loving old spinsters out there who don't like mustaches or bare chests?"
"I got it! DOGS!!!!"
"YESSSS!"

There we have it ladies... they've got out numbers.. dangle shirtless, mustached, dog-lovers in front of us and we're unable to control our magazine purchases? Just like I can't control being able to purchase a "Lady Bic" pen because it's pink.

I know it's hard... women are peculiar and complicated... and being our friends, significant others, and family can be difficult at times... I imagine marketing to us must seem like a ridiculously difficult task. But come on... "We've got 'em shirtless, mustached, and with their dogs?" It just sounds like really, really bad suburban porn.

I'm a fortunate one. And I'm thankful.

Thanks...

for having wonderful parents who always make me feel loved.
for my siblings who I do not see often enough, but they are not ever far from my thoughts.
for my friends who let me lean on them when I need it most.
for my sense of humor that carries me through more days than not.
for my ability to walk, run, dance, breathe, laugh, and move.
for my opportunity to teach at the gym which brings me so much joy.
for my freedom in life, my ability to make choices, for the possibilities in front of me.
for my dreams, and for my ability to pursue them.

The pre-lit tree was finally conquered!

Even at 40 years old good Christmas tree stories can happen. My good friend, A, got one of those pre-lit Christmas trees a few years back. It's nothing huge, but it's pretty. Well, the first year she asked me to help her set it up. We pulled the directions out with a handy diagram to show how to plug the thing together so it will light. Let me for the record state that I do not know what type of fancy meth was being used when this diagram was drawn... but this nonsensical thing had nothing to do with this tree. So after an hour of plugging crap here and there we finally managed to get the entire tree lit.

At the end of the season we got smart and labeled all of the plugs so we would know which ones went together the next year. So year two arrives and we are all smug and think we got this tree thing handled. Well, the tree quickly reminded us who was boss. Somehow we hadn't labeled the cord which was oddly placed and confusing as well. But that year the tree took probably less than 30 minutes to get going.

Well, this year I was over at A's and she says "while you're here... why don't we put the tree up." So she went and grabbed it. We dug through and found out blue tape labeled plugs, grabbed the cord which was also now labeled, and after less than 5 minutes we plugged it in and all the lights came on. We obviously made several whoop noises as we jumped up and down and double high-fived one another. It was a good day in Christmastown. :)

Santa secrets and beginnings of traditions

I can remember how I found out there was no Santa. And it was the least traumatic thing I have ever experienced. It went something like this. My brother comes running out of the house... it wasn't even Christmas... it may have been summer. I was probably around 5 years old, give or take a little. And this is what we said:

Him: "Hey, I've got a secret!"
Me: "What is it?"
Him: "Well, I can't tell you. It's a secret."
Me: "Well, can you give me a hint?"
Him: "You remember the thing about the Easter Bunny?"
Me: "What? Is there no Santa?"
Him: "Nope. No Santa."
Me: "Oh, okay."

And we commenced to playing.

A couple years later my brother and I decided that waking up early on Christmas morning kind of sucked. We Rogers like to sleep in! We also thought this might be a way to get to open presents earlier! So we suggested to mom and dad that we open presents on Christmas Eve... then we could all sleep in on Christmas morning. And my parents being pretty smart people decided this was a brilliant plan. And so our Christmas tradition was born. I mean, really, once you realize there is no Santa coming down the chimney you don't even have in a mobile home... what's the point of getting up so darned early! :)

Skyfall - A YGP review

Skyfall, the new James Bond flick, really kicked ass. I'm a pretty big Bond fan. I don't know if I've actually seen all of them... but thanks to all the 007 marathons on TV over the years it is definitely possible. If I've missed any it is probably some old Connery ones. And I think I saw the Lazenby Bond just once. I grew up with Roger Moore as my Bond, and yes, I know... he wasn't the best. But I liked his tongue-in-cheek quality. I was never a big Connery Bond fan... it was all terribly serious. And so many of the Bond films are just shitty towards women. Let's just say I was more than thrilled when Michelle Yeoh showed up as a Bond Girl... still one of the best Bond Girls of all time.

But onto Skyfall...

Bond and his Aston Martin

1. Not only have the Bond Girls graduated to Bond Women... there was far, far more eye candy for the ladies than for the men. There was almost no nudity of women... but Daniel Craig was shirtless a bunch of times... and damn... just damn. That is one fine man. And I mean that in the most feminine point of view kind of way. You see... it's not that he has some pretty face. It's his entire demeanor. It's the way he carries himself... whether walking across a room or kicking someone's ass.

2. Dude on dude action! Okay... not really... but there is a strange flirtation from the villain. This may have been kind of sexy if Javier Bardem wasn't reminding me of that dude from SNL (I'm good enough, and doggonit people like me)... Stuart Smalley I think. Really, Javier can be a very sexy man... but this look was not quite as bad, but almost, as the "No Country for Old Men" look from a few years back.

3. Old School Bond... this movie really does combine some of the old school feel of Bond with a new era. It doesn't take itself as seriously as Casino Royale (in an attempt to be more Bourne like), but it still feels new and fresh while paying homage to the history of Bond.

4. I won't say much more... I don't want to give any real spoilers here. But if you like Bond I'm not sure how you won't like this movie. :)

The life of a Xmas tree: Part 1

The silver tinsel tree! Before my time.

When Mom and Dad first got married they had an aluminum Xmas tree. They had blue silk-string covered balls on it. You didn't string lights on the tree. There was a plastic disc divided into 4 colors that rotated with a light behind it which projected the colors onto a tree. But this awesome sounding tree was not part of my life. It lives in my memory only because of the descriptions from Mom. For me Xmas was all about a green artificial tree purchased in 1970 at Target, 2 years before I was born. It was the Xmas tree of the Rogers family for over 40 years. I believe I will start telling some stories involving that Xmas tree during the holiday season.

I think the 1st year of the green tree I knew growing up.

 

My first clear memory of the tree was Xmas of 1976. I was 4 years old. We had moved to Dudley in September of '76. I remember waking up in the middle of the night on Xmas Eve... techncially Xmas morning... absolutely freezing. I remember laying on my stomach, pulling my blankets to my neck and putting my pillow on top of my head to keep warm. When I woke up in the morning Mom was sitting me up putting my coat and hat on me and telling me how our heat went out overnight. I can remember that mom picked me up and was carrying me to the kitchen... we had a gas stove so they had the stove on and the door open so that room was nice and warm... and as she carried me through the living room I saw the tree over her shoulder in the corner... and I remember from my vantage point I could only see one present... and I was wondering "Did Santa just bring us one present?" Nope... I didn't care about being cold at all.


Apparently my mom's brother came over and nearly set our house on fire with the kerosene heater... but I don't remember that. I remember playing with my toys (I got more than one present) with my brother in front of the tree. That tree seemed so big back then... I'd lay under it at night with the lights on and marvel at how tall it was... it was truly not that big a tree... but when you're 4 years old the world is large.