Birthday Ramblings :)

Today is my birthday. And I got all I could have asked for. I don't need presents. The real presents in life are the experiences we have. And all I could ask for was to spend time with good friends and family, have a little good food, and just do things that I enjoy. Oh, and my annual homemade birthday card from Mom and Dad. Those are always awesome. Besides I can buy presents for myself. I did, in fact, buy myself some new gym shoes for my birthday. They make me feel like I should be a dancer in a Wham! video! After I bought them I looked forward to going to the gym tonight just to break them in. And the gym felt like a birthday party complete with friends, laughter, and music.

I feel really good today. I don't feel old. I feel vibrant. I feel like me. And that's an excellent feeling. I hope it lasts. I hope it isn't just an upswing of hormones. :)

There are plenty of things in my life that suck right now. Things that need to improve. Situations I wish were different, but I haven't figured out a path through them or around them yet. But there are so many things to be thankful for in my life. When I look at where I am now compared to my 38th birthday, and especially my 37th, I feel almost unrecognizable. To most of the outside world I just look a bit thinner. But the differences go so much deeper than that.

Years ago I trained for a marathon. I remember being in the middle of a long training run, maybe 16 miles long, and having this amazing feeling of "this is who I am... this is who I want to be." It was an awesome feeling. It was such a strong feeling I can still remember the scenery around me when I thought it like it was yesterday. But I was only 26 years old... honestly still a kid... with no idea of the trials and tribulations of the years ahead. And here I am 13 years later... I am sure with no ideas of the trials and tribulations still ahead... having a similar feeling. Sometimes it is at the gym or the lake and sometimes it is when I am just sitting quietly by myself. "This is who I am... this is who I want to be."  And this time around the feeling is so awesome it can almost bring me to tears.

I can't speak for everyone, but the truth is for me I think I have an innate understanding of who I am. But somewhere in my life I lost track... I forgot or pushed that knowledge aside. When you aren't living the life you want it is easier to pretend that you don't want that life... that you're okay with what's in front of you... even if it is painful or miserable. Of course, this only keeps you stuck in the place you don't want to be. I know from experience.

Now if only I can find a way to get those couple of areas that don't gel with "me" to change life would get even better. I have no doubt there is a way... I just have to keep looking and not just blindly accept what's in front of me.

It's kind of hard to feel very poetic or deep when you're in a good mood. At least it seems that way. I hope my ramblings this evening appeared to have some sort of point. It felt good to write, and I guess that's enough.