My mother, my favorite person in the entire world, has passed away. I find myself at times not knowing how to take the next breath... knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without her. My mom didn't lose her mother until she was in her 60s and grandma was in her 80s. I'm not even 40. I feel so cheated. But mom could have lived to 100 and I would have said she was too young and it was too soon.
I am at home tonight... my home. I will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time in 24 nights. And as suspected being alone is letting in a huge amount of emotions. It isn't as bad as the first night after mom passed when I laid on the floor of her closet on top of some of her clothes and sobbed so hard I thought I might break in two. In a way I guess I did break. I'm more heartbroken than I've ever been.
Grief truly does come in waves. Some waves are crushing. But the waves do pass. And I laugh again. Mom lived to laugh, and I think she laughed to live. Everyone I've talked to remembers her smiling and laughing. So it's important to me that I need to live my life that way. Of course, I'm writing this while sobbing. But whatcha gonna do?
Mom always said that the best way to honor those you love who pass is to live a good life. She also said when bad things happen you have a good cry and then get on with the business of living. I agree with her, though I have no doubt I will have plenty of good cries on this subject... not just one. :) She would understand I'm sure.
So in honor of getting on with living... here is a little info on me during the past few weeks that fits into my normal blog content. I found during mom's hospitalization the things that truly mattered in my life floated to the top and all the things that are truly meaningless (even though they sometimes seem important in daily life) sank to the bottom. And keeping my health in check did remain important thankfully. I did make an effort to not just pack on pounds during the stress of it all. I worried if I let myself get out of control it would be too hard to get back on track. Of course, I had times that I said out loud "Yeah, time for some stress eating." And I threw the "no sugar drinks" directly out the window and drank whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I couldn't work out (though I did do the occasional push ups and sit ups in the hospital waiting room) and I needed some outlet... so sugar drinks, thank you very much!
Last week I got back to the gym finally. And it kicked my ass. Two weeks of no exercising makes a big difference. But getting moving again and the support from my gym buddies was very helpful. Exercise really has no downsides people... I do believe it is one of the keys to feeling good in life.
I hope to write again soon... back on track... get on with living. And mom seemed to like my blog. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment