It's really funny, this whole death thing. It's been 4 weeks today since the beginning of the ordeal with mom, and 16 days since she has passed. And life really, truly does keep right on going. It's a lesson mom repeated to me many times when I think back. And I seemed to repeat to myself over the years as if I was trying to make sure I was ready.
My Aunt Evelyn passed away at 36 years of age... when I was a small child. She was my mom's best friend. I can remember mom telling me later that she remembered riding in the car to her funeral and seeing all these other cars passing by her and feeling like "Why isn't everyone stopping? Don't they know what has happened?" But the rest of the world didn't stop even if she felt like it should. And I understand what she felt, but I get it... I get it because of what she taught me... Life will keep on going. And it is important not to let it pass me by.
Part of me feels stronger now than before... like I have more of a fire in me to figure out what I want to do... and do it. I hope the feeling doesn't pass. The place where the sadness creeps in is that whatever I do from this point forward I won't get to show my mom. I used to ask her opinion on things, some big and some small. The day she went to the hospital we had emailed back and forth about what I was going to wear to my high school reunion. She loved the dress, and I got a wow on the necklace. But should I wear shoes or boots... tights or bare legs? Some opinions I took and some I ignored (I wore tights... she wouldn't have liked them. LOL). But it was always fun to discuss. On my birthday I sent her a picture of my new sneakers... just because they were pretty, and I was excited. And it makes me so sad to know that any silly things I have to share or any minor or major accomplishments from this point on, and I hope to have many, I won't be able to share or get her opinion on. I've always said that I really don't care what anyone thinks of me... with one exception. And that exception was my mom. I did like to make her proud. :)
So life is moving on... I find myself laughing sometimes and thinking just for a second "How can you possibly laugh or have fun or be happy? Your mom is gone." But that's what life is. Life is finding joy and laughter and tears and sorrow... hopefully more of the joy and laughter... and letting those things coexist while you keep moving forward.
Sometimes I close my eyes and try to clear my mind and I listen really closely for my mom's voice... what would she tell me or say about all this? And you know what? I've heard it a couple times. It's distant and quiet... and the cynic in me says it's just me thinking what I'd like her to say. I don't know if it's her or me, and I really don't care. All I know is the voice says "Tracy, life is for the living... and you gotta get on with the business of living."
And yes, I've cried through this whole blog too... but it's good, cathartic tears... so it's okay. Tears are part of life too. :)
Very beautiful post. -hugs-
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