My Mother's Daughter

I am my mother's daughter. This thought brings a smile to my face. I can hear her when I'm laughing. I can hear her voice sometimes when I'm talking. I don't think we looked that much alike, but we did have similar voices, hand gestures, body language, and senses of humor. And since she's gone I catch myself in the mirror sometimes and see things I didn't notice before that look like her. And it makes me smile.

Recently at the gym I walked into a room and someone spotted me and said "There she is... Susie Sunshine." And she wasn't even being sarcastic. I know because I asked. :) I often feel like I don't come across as a happy or outgoing person... that I seem quiet or standoffish. But I think perhaps that is just a leftover self image from me a long time ago... it is how I appeared to people... and it was born out of shyness... but it was perceived as stuck up or aloof. One of the reasons the comment stood out to me is the simple fact that my mother was a Susie Sunshine... but not a sugary sweet type. She simply brightened every room she walked into just by being herself. Example: She walked into the gas station near her house and 2 cops were in there talking to the young woman working there. Everyone seemed so serious. Well, mom, the tiny little old lady, spots them and starts singing "Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?" And everyone started laughing. Later the woman who worked there told someone "Yeah, those cops were being so stern until Miss Cathy walked in... then they were great." That was mom.

Mom always entered a room like she owned it. She was 4'9" or something close to it... but she carried herself like a giant. And I've always aspired to that. Perhaps it's why I am surprised when people point out that at 5'2" I am quite small. I don't feel short. I have a friend who will hug me and can set his chin on top of my head... and I realize "Oh, I am kind of short." But if I'm just talking to him I feel like we're the same height. And friends of mine who are the same height as me? I feel like I tower over them. Mom didn't feel short either. I remember her saying she hadn't even noticed that she was smaller than most people until someone pointed it out to her in her senior year of high school. It's another way I find myself being like mom.

I tend to say that I don't care what anyone thinks of me. And for the most part that is true. If you are my friend I know you think well of me. If you aren't my friend why would I care about your opinion? The exception to this rule was mom. I cared what she thought of me. I always wanted her to be proud of me. I think she was. I hope she was.

A few weeks before mom passed away I had given blood at a Red Cross event. I found myself carrying on a conversation with about 5 different people in the room while I sat in the chair. And while I was in the middle of joking around it occurred to me just how much like my mother I was acting. This wasn't my normal way of behaving. But it was most definitely hers. I'd witnessed it my entire life. And here I was... effortlessly being like mom in the best possible way. I had noticed a shift in me this year... in how I act and how people react to me. But this was such a cool thing to realize I was acting like mom without trying. I had written mom and explained the whole thing. And she seemed so happy. I just now looked up her email to see exactly what she had said about it... and she told me it was awesome that I was coming into my own. And then she talked about me wanting to write and gave me some of her thoughts... and at the end of the email simply said "u are awesome." And then she told me "isn't life grand and such a learning experience?" Yes, mom... it is. :)