Forever 23

I'm going to be 39 years old about 2 weeks. Then I begin the last year of my 30s. I have no idea why those ages ending in zero seem to hold such weight for people. Personally I always hated the years ending in 7... 27, 37, etc. They seem to just sound older... maybe because of the extra syllable? Or maybe because you officially cross the line into "late 20s" or "late 30s." Of course 17 felt older, but back then for some insane reason we wanted to be older. Seriously? When people say youth is wasted on the young... they aren't kidding.

I have always felt simultaneously like a kid and an old lady. I feel like I have always had a certain wisdom (the old lady) and yet often the stupidity not to listen to it (the kid). :) For the most part, though, on the inside I always feel 23 years old. I used to just say that kind of as a reflex... how old do I feel? 23. I didn't know why. But I think I finally figured it out. It's the age I was when I finally went out on my own... not only out of mom and dad's house, but out of school (where I had freedom, but mom and dad still paid). :) So it was the age I kind of became "me" if that makes any sense. I think I am more mature now, but inside... I'm the same Tracy I was at 23. And the funny thing is I suspect if I live to be 90... I'll be the same. I'll still be 23 inside. I try to remember that when I see older people... they may still feel 23 too. :)

I remember my mom telling me that at age 40 or so her neck just kind of "showed up." Like... she never really even noticed her neck before... and all of a sudden it was like "Hello!" And it looked older. I've honestly been watching my neck for 20 years because of that statement! Like... oh, no is my neck showing up? LOL. And yes... my neck has at least started to "show up." Then she once told me that at a certain age when you start to look old you become invisible. Like you'll be out in public and it's like people just see through you. And I'm looking at my age and, unlike being in my 20s when you think you'll stay the way you are forever, I understand more fully there is a shelf life... to my looks, my health, and eventually my life.

On some level I think I am working my ass off at the gym like I am because, armed with the knowledge of a middle aged woman, I want to extend that shelf life. I am not ready to be invisible yet... I spent most of my youth feeling invisible. I finally don't, and I want to stick around for a while. :) I just hope my soon to be 39 year old body keeps up. I can definitely tell when I'm pushing myself that it isn't 23 anymore. Hello elbow tendons, foot tendons, knees and back! Where the hell did you come from?  I don't like you... please go away. :)

This year my birthday falls midweek on a day that is a cycling class/BodyFlow yoga class double feature day! And yes I plan on going to the gym on my birthday. I should find a tiara to wear or something... just to be silly. :) Hey... it's a birthday. Seriously... rarely do people plan surprise parties or plan your birthdays for you. You gotta make the plans yourself if you want it to be fun. 

I do plan on enjoying my birthday... even if I do nothing. People joke that they are turning 29 again. Not me... I'm gonna be 39... I've earned these years! :) Some of these years I'd even say I conquered! And I am proud of them.