I acted like one of "those people" tonight.

Tonight was my first day back at the gym in 5 days. And I hadn't weighed myself during that time. I weigh every day at the gym... sometimes twice, once when I get there and once when I leave. Compulsive? Maybe. Probably. Okay, yeah it's compulsive. :) But it works for me. I don't like to worry for a week about whether or not I gained or lost. Weighing each time I am there keeps me on track.

So today I walk to the scale in the weight room. I always use the same scale so I know it's accurate. There is one in the ladies locker room, but I don't care for it. The one in the weight room is next to the receptionist desk at the in-house chiropractor. So I walk over and out of the corner of my eye I notice the two ladies behind the desk watching me. I start to adjust the weights on the scale and the one lady says to me "You're one of only 3 women we've seen use this scale! And the other 2 made a point to look around to make sure no one was watching them." I laugh and say I hadn't ever thought about anyone watching me. Right about this time I'm noticing that my weight has crept up a couple pounds. And just as a little touch of panic is settling in the lady behind the desk says "Yeah, well, you're skinny" implying why would I care if anyone saw me weigh. I kind of blinked at her and said "I'm not skinny." It just popped out! And as the words escape my mouth I notice the incredulous look on her face. And I realize what I've done. I'm acting like one of those people.

"Those people" were the skinny girls I remember from junior high... and I still encounter them today... who say "Oh, I'm so fat... blah, blah, blah" and all the girls around them chime in with the "No, you're not!!!!" I remember sitting in the lunchroom in 8th grade listening to a skinny girl do this. And there I sat in all my fatness thinking that there is no way in hell I can say "Oh, I'm so fat" out loud. The silence would be deafening. You'd hear crickets chirping or pins dropping. Because a fat person saying they're fat just isn't going to illicit the same denials. And I always assumed the skinny chicks say this because they want the reassurance that they're thin and pretty. But here I am... apparently a skinny chick to some... saying the same thing.

So tonight the words "I'm not skinny" have escaped my lips, and I'm wishing I could pull them back in. I don't feel skinny, especially with this damn scale looking at me. But the woman talking to me is bigger than me. She would probably very much like to be my size. And I realize I must sound like an idiot to her at this point. And she looks at me and says "Yeah, right... what size do you wear?" And I literally hung my head a little and said sort of quietly and with a bit of embarrassment "Size 8." And she says "Yeah... skinny." We talk for a few minutes I try to get a little street cred with the "Oh, but I've lost X amount of weight" so she doesn't think I'm just born skinny. At the end of the conversation she congratulates me on the weight loss and I thanked her sincerely.

I realize this woman probably didn't think twice about this conversation. But it stuck with me. I wonder if I'm wrong or if she's wrong... or if it's somewhere in between. Either way I don't want to play this game... I don't want to call myself fat when I'm actually thin. It's like the reverse side of telling myself I'm just a little chubby when I was actually fat. If someone says I'm skinny... and if I am actually a thin woman... why is it so hard to just nod and say yeah I am? I mean... I am working my ass off for it. I'm earning it. And yet apparently I can't quite grasp what I look like now any more than I could grasp how fat I'd gotten. It's like I can't own who I am. I'm not quite sure I can see it yet. Not to mention... this whole "I'm so fat" thing seems to be kind of a bonding thing between women. Not sure "Yeah, I'm thin" would endear me to many. Heck, I wonder if even writing this sounds conceited. If someone will think "Stupid skinny bitch... talking about how skinny she is." I don't know. I just need to try not to play the game. I said before... it is important to look at ourselves honestly. We need to own up to the good as well as the bad I guess.

So while I think skinny is an exaggeration of my size... I need to not deny it like it's so ridiculous. Easier said than done. Stupid fat kid syndrome. :)