I wasn't happy because I was thin. I was thin because I was happy.

I wasn't happy because I was thin. I was thin because I was happy.

I'm repeating this truth to myself a lot lately. My focus can't be on being thin as a means to the end of being happy. It just doesn't work that way. I look back a couple years. And the simple truth is that I managed to drop the dreaded 20 pounds because I was in a good, positive, I dare say happy place. Don't get me wrong. being thin pleased me greatly. I didn't think about my weight all the time. I felt healthier. I had more energy. These thing all by themselves made me happy. But it's not like I suddenly had this smaller, more efficient body and then became happy.

And I gained the weight back that I have when I allowed things in my life took me to an unhappy place. 

When you have your shit together mentally and emotionally... only then are you ready to get your physical shit together. So here I am... staring ahead... trying not to look behind me... and attempting to figure out exactly how to get my mental and emotional shit back together so I can get my body back.

Don't I already have my body? Yes. I do. And I am grateful for it. It's treated me well even if I constantly throw hate at it. Undeserved hate. What has my body ever done to me except respond to what I either put in it or make it do? And then I turn around and hate it. My body listens to me. If I choose to make it exercise and eat well then it responds. If I sit on my ass and eat shitty foods it responds then too. So why do I hate it? I know, but am unsure how to put it into words. But it is undeserved.

On top of it all I know very well that my image of myself is skewed. And I do fight to find a balance when I look in the mirror. I try to be realistic and not sugarcoat my weight as "cute" or "fluffy" or "curvy" if I am actually in an unhealthy class of overweight. But it's easy to make excuses and sugarcoat. It's also very easy to fall on the other side and blow my weight out of proportion. It is a bit of a tightrope walk really.

Anyway, I'm still teaching my BodyFlow which I love infinitely. But I feel like looking outside of my group fitness classes for inspiration. Not as a means to lose weight... but as a means to find myself again. I'm thinking about martial arts. I haven't taken karate since I was 15... but I did enjoy it. I loved the movement and the discipline of it.

So we'll see if I can find something I can afford and see where it leads me. I remind myself it is important to keep moving forward in life. Stagnation is my enemy. :)