I'm not sure what's going on with me these days. I do not feel like I'm sinking back into depression. But I feel off. I feel perplexed. I feel like I'm floating in limbo.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of an empty space... all around me, just out of reach, are parts of my life spinning around me. And it's not exactly that I can't reach them, but I'm not sure where I want to reach. I feel alone. I recognize the large chunk of me gone since Mom died. And I'm just standing still... waiting for the other part of me to be gone too... waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be an orphan. Waiting to be completely alone. There is no date on this... it could be tomorrow... it could be ten years... but it's there. And I feel like I have to be on guard for it. I need to be ready. Even though I know damn well there is no way to be ready.
And I so desperately want to talk to my Mom lately. I want her advice (even though I often didn't take it). I want her reassurance. I'd like to have her just listen and tell me I'll figure it out and not to worry.
I want to not be standing in this empty space all alone. It's exhausting. I'm strong. I'll survive. I am Cathy's kid after all. But some days it's like just the act of living hurts... even when nothing is happening. I start to worry about my health. I'm 40 and have never had any serious health issues. It can't last forever. And who will be there for me when it does?
It's been a while since I had a good cry. I suppose I was overdue. And it's not good to fight feelings. Better to feel them and let them go. They do far less damage that way. And perhaps writing about them gets them out too.
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