Life is for the living... I hear ya, Mom. :)

It's really funny, this whole death thing. It's been 4 weeks today since the beginning of the ordeal with mom, and 16 days since she has passed. And life really, truly does keep right on going. It's a lesson mom repeated to me many times when I think back. And I seemed to repeat to myself over the years as if I was trying to make sure I was ready.

My Aunt Evelyn passed away at 36 years of age... when I was a small child. She was my mom's best friend. I can remember mom telling me later that she remembered riding in the car to her funeral and seeing all these other cars passing by her and feeling like "Why isn't everyone stopping? Don't they know what has happened?" But the rest of the world didn't stop even if she felt like it should. And I understand what she felt, but I get it... I get it because of what she taught me... Life will keep on going. And it is important not to let it pass me by.

Part of me feels stronger now than before... like I have more of a fire in me to figure out what I want to do... and do it. I hope the feeling doesn't pass. The place where the sadness creeps in is that whatever I do from this point forward I won't get to show my mom. I used to ask her opinion on things, some big and some small. The day she went to the hospital we had emailed back and forth about what I was going to wear to my high school reunion. She loved the dress, and I got a wow on the necklace. But should I wear shoes or boots... tights or bare legs? Some opinions I took and some I ignored (I wore tights... she wouldn't have liked them. LOL). But it was always fun to discuss. On my birthday I sent her a picture of my new sneakers... just because they were pretty, and I was excited. And it makes me so sad to know that any silly things I have to share or any minor or major accomplishments from this point on, and I hope to have many, I won't be able to share or get her opinion on. I've always said that I really don't care what anyone thinks of me... with one exception. And that exception was my mom. I did like to make her proud. :) 

So life is moving on... I find myself laughing sometimes and thinking just for a second "How can you possibly laugh or have fun or be happy? Your mom is gone." But that's what life is. Life is finding joy and laughter and tears and sorrow... hopefully more of the joy and laughter... and letting those things coexist while you keep moving forward.

Sometimes I close my eyes and try to clear my mind and I listen really closely for my mom's voice... what would she tell me or say about all this? And you know what? I've heard it a couple times. It's distant and quiet... and the cynic in me says it's just me thinking what I'd like her to say. I don't know if it's her or me, and I really don't care. All I know is the voice says "Tracy, life is for the living... and you gotta get on with the business of living."

And yes, I've cried through this whole blog too... but it's good, cathartic tears... so it's okay. Tears are part of life too. :)

Getting on with the business of living... for my mom. :)

My mother, my favorite person in the entire world, has passed away. I find myself at times not knowing how to take the next breath... knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without her. My mom didn't lose her mother until she was in her 60s and grandma was in her 80s. I'm not even 40. I feel so cheated. But mom could have lived to 100 and I would have said she was too young and it was too soon.

I am at home tonight... my home. I will be sleeping in my own bed for the first time in 24 nights. And as suspected being alone is letting in a huge amount of emotions. It isn't as bad as the first night after mom passed when I laid on the floor of her closet on top of some of her clothes and sobbed so hard I thought I might break in two. In a way I guess I did break. I'm more heartbroken than I've ever been.

Grief truly does come in waves. Some waves are crushing. But the waves do pass. And I laugh again. Mom lived to laugh, and I think she laughed to live. Everyone I've talked to remembers her smiling and laughing. So it's important to me that I need to live my life that way. Of course, I'm writing this while sobbing. But whatcha gonna do?

Mom always said that the best way to honor those you love who pass is to live a good life. She also said when bad things happen you have a good cry and then get on with the business of living. I agree with her, though I have no doubt I will have plenty of good cries on this subject... not just one. :) She would understand I'm sure.

So in honor of getting on with living... here is a little info on me during the past few weeks that fits into my normal blog content. I found during mom's hospitalization the things that truly mattered in my life floated to the top and all the things that are truly meaningless (even though they sometimes seem important in daily life) sank to the bottom. And keeping my health in check did remain important thankfully. I did make an effort to not just pack on pounds during the stress of it all. I worried if I let myself get out of control it would be too hard to get back on track. Of course, I had times that I said out loud "Yeah, time for some stress eating." And I threw the "no sugar drinks" directly out the window and drank whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I couldn't work out (though I did do the occasional push ups and sit ups in the hospital waiting room) and I needed some outlet... so sugar drinks, thank you very much!

Last week I got back to the gym finally. And it kicked my ass. Two weeks of no exercising makes a big difference. But getting moving again and the support from my gym buddies was very helpful. Exercise really has no downsides people... I do believe it is one of the keys to feeling good in life.

I hope to write again soon... back on track... get on with living. And mom seemed to like my blog. :)