Today is my birthday. And I got all I could have asked for. I don't need presents. The real presents in life are the experiences we have. And all I could ask for was to spend time with good friends and family, have a little good food, and just do things that I enjoy. Oh, and my annual homemade birthday card from Mom and Dad. Those are always awesome. Besides I can buy presents for myself. I did, in fact, buy myself some new gym shoes for my birthday. They make me feel like I should be a dancer in a Wham! video! After I bought them I looked forward to going to the gym tonight just to break them in. And the gym felt like a birthday party complete with friends, laughter, and music.
I feel really good today. I don't feel old. I feel vibrant. I feel like me. And that's an excellent feeling. I hope it lasts. I hope it isn't just an upswing of hormones. :)
There are plenty of things in my life that suck right now. Things that need to improve. Situations I wish were different, but I haven't figured out a path through them or around them yet. But there are so many things to be thankful for in my life. When I look at where I am now compared to my 38th birthday, and especially my 37th, I feel almost unrecognizable. To most of the outside world I just look a bit thinner. But the differences go so much deeper than that.
Years ago I trained for a marathon. I remember being in the middle of a long training run, maybe 16 miles long, and having this amazing feeling of "this is who I am... this is who I want to be." It was an awesome feeling. It was such a strong feeling I can still remember the scenery around me when I thought it like it was yesterday. But I was only 26 years old... honestly still a kid... with no idea of the trials and tribulations of the years ahead. And here I am 13 years later... I am sure with no ideas of the trials and tribulations still ahead... having a similar feeling. Sometimes it is at the gym or the lake and sometimes it is when I am just sitting quietly by myself. "This is who I am... this is who I want to be." And this time around the feeling is so awesome it can almost bring me to tears.
I can't speak for everyone, but the truth is for me I think I have an innate understanding of who I am. But somewhere in my life I lost track... I forgot or pushed that knowledge aside. When you aren't living the life you want it is easier to pretend that you don't want that life... that you're okay with what's in front of you... even if it is painful or miserable. Of course, this only keeps you stuck in the place you don't want to be. I know from experience.
Now if only I can find a way to get those couple of areas that don't gel with "me" to change life would get even better. I have no doubt there is a way... I just have to keep looking and not just blindly accept what's in front of me.
It's kind of hard to feel very poetic or deep when you're in a good mood. At least it seems that way. I hope my ramblings this evening appeared to have some sort of point. It felt good to write, and I guess that's enough.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Writing - something other than a blog, that is. :)
Does everyone daydream about writing a novel? Or is it something just I do? I've thought about being some sort of writer as far back as I can remember. In second grade I wrote some poetry for class, and my teacher made a big deal about it to my mom. I'm sure it wasn't anything earth shattering... probably just typical rhyming from a 7-year-old. But I remember being so proud of it and trying to write more on my own. When we would go to the library I would check out poetry books along with my Mozart cassettes. Geeky kid? Me? No! I would read my poetry books and dabble, but eventually the desire faded. But I still had it in my head that maybe I could be a writer.
A couple years out of college I took a creative writing class at the community college. I still have my writing. I liked it. It wasn't substantial enough to say I'd started a novel, or even a short story, but there was one short thing I wrote that always stuck with me... that I thought was good. And in my mind I often say "yeah, someday I'll write a book." But there is a funny thing about "someday." It doesn't get here. "Today is all we have" sounds cliche, but it's true. When is it ever anything but now? Yesterday is a memory, and tomorrow is always out of reach. So if someday isn't going to arrive... when will I write my book?
It was pointed out to me recently what a passive person I am. Now being called passive is not an insult. It's just an adjective that accurately describes me. I am passive. Very often in life I just sit around and wait for things to happen to me. And if you wait, good things will happen and so will bad. But honestly very few "great" things will happen... not without some action. One definition describes being passive as "being the object of action rather than causing action (opposed to active)." The problem is I can feel it in me that I am getting tired of being the object of action. The desire to be the cause of action in my life is growing. Life really is a journey and not a destination. And so often I have felt like I'm just watching the scenery pass by.
And this brings me to my plan of action for next month. November is National Novel Writing Month. The purpose is to write without worry... I am not expected to write a publishable, or even good, novel. I am just expected to write 50,000 words in 30 days. There is no prize other than knowing I've accomplished writing a novel. And maybe in the 50,000 words there will be the beginning of something good. No doubt there will be a ton of throwaway material. But it's a beginning. It's action.
I do not expect to suddenly become non-passive in all areas of life. That would be exhausting. I do know I can see the exceptionally positive changes in myself that have come from getting off my lazy ass and changing my physical lifestyle. I can only hope that taking action elsewhere will bring about the same sort of satisfaction.
A couple years out of college I took a creative writing class at the community college. I still have my writing. I liked it. It wasn't substantial enough to say I'd started a novel, or even a short story, but there was one short thing I wrote that always stuck with me... that I thought was good. And in my mind I often say "yeah, someday I'll write a book." But there is a funny thing about "someday." It doesn't get here. "Today is all we have" sounds cliche, but it's true. When is it ever anything but now? Yesterday is a memory, and tomorrow is always out of reach. So if someday isn't going to arrive... when will I write my book?
It was pointed out to me recently what a passive person I am. Now being called passive is not an insult. It's just an adjective that accurately describes me. I am passive. Very often in life I just sit around and wait for things to happen to me. And if you wait, good things will happen and so will bad. But honestly very few "great" things will happen... not without some action. One definition describes being passive as "being the object of action rather than causing action (opposed to active)." The problem is I can feel it in me that I am getting tired of being the object of action. The desire to be the cause of action in my life is growing. Life really is a journey and not a destination. And so often I have felt like I'm just watching the scenery pass by.
And this brings me to my plan of action for next month. November is National Novel Writing Month. The purpose is to write without worry... I am not expected to write a publishable, or even good, novel. I am just expected to write 50,000 words in 30 days. There is no prize other than knowing I've accomplished writing a novel. And maybe in the 50,000 words there will be the beginning of something good. No doubt there will be a ton of throwaway material. But it's a beginning. It's action.
I do not expect to suddenly become non-passive in all areas of life. That would be exhausting. I do know I can see the exceptionally positive changes in myself that have come from getting off my lazy ass and changing my physical lifestyle. I can only hope that taking action elsewhere will bring about the same sort of satisfaction.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I acted like one of "those people" tonight.
Tonight was my first day back at the gym in 5 days. And I hadn't weighed myself during that time. I weigh every day at the gym... sometimes twice, once when I get there and once when I leave. Compulsive? Maybe. Probably. Okay, yeah it's compulsive. :) But it works for me. I don't like to worry for a week about whether or not I gained or lost. Weighing each time I am there keeps me on track.
So today I walk to the scale in the weight room. I always use the same scale so I know it's accurate. There is one in the ladies locker room, but I don't care for it. The one in the weight room is next to the receptionist desk at the in-house chiropractor. So I walk over and out of the corner of my eye I notice the two ladies behind the desk watching me. I start to adjust the weights on the scale and the one lady says to me "You're one of only 3 women we've seen use this scale! And the other 2 made a point to look around to make sure no one was watching them." I laugh and say I hadn't ever thought about anyone watching me. Right about this time I'm noticing that my weight has crept up a couple pounds. And just as a little touch of panic is settling in the lady behind the desk says "Yeah, well, you're skinny" implying why would I care if anyone saw me weigh. I kind of blinked at her and said "I'm not skinny." It just popped out! And as the words escape my mouth I notice the incredulous look on her face. And I realize what I've done. I'm acting like one of those people.
"Those people" were the skinny girls I remember from junior high... and I still encounter them today... who say "Oh, I'm so fat... blah, blah, blah" and all the girls around them chime in with the "No, you're not!!!!" I remember sitting in the lunchroom in 8th grade listening to a skinny girl do this. And there I sat in all my fatness thinking that there is no way in hell I can say "Oh, I'm so fat" out loud. The silence would be deafening. You'd hear crickets chirping or pins dropping. Because a fat person saying they're fat just isn't going to illicit the same denials. And I always assumed the skinny chicks say this because they want the reassurance that they're thin and pretty. But here I am... apparently a skinny chick to some... saying the same thing.
So tonight the words "I'm not skinny" have escaped my lips, and I'm wishing I could pull them back in. I don't feel skinny, especially with this damn scale looking at me. But the woman talking to me is bigger than me. She would probably very much like to be my size. And I realize I must sound like an idiot to her at this point. And she looks at me and says "Yeah, right... what size do you wear?" And I literally hung my head a little and said sort of quietly and with a bit of embarrassment "Size 8." And she says "Yeah... skinny." We talk for a few minutes I try to get a little street cred with the "Oh, but I've lost X amount of weight" so she doesn't think I'm just born skinny. At the end of the conversation she congratulates me on the weight loss and I thanked her sincerely.
I realize this woman probably didn't think twice about this conversation. But it stuck with me. I wonder if I'm wrong or if she's wrong... or if it's somewhere in between. Either way I don't want to play this game... I don't want to call myself fat when I'm actually thin. It's like the reverse side of telling myself I'm just a little chubby when I was actually fat. If someone says I'm skinny... and if I am actually a thin woman... why is it so hard to just nod and say yeah I am? I mean... I am working my ass off for it. I'm earning it. And yet apparently I can't quite grasp what I look like now any more than I could grasp how fat I'd gotten. It's like I can't own who I am. I'm not quite sure I can see it yet. Not to mention... this whole "I'm so fat" thing seems to be kind of a bonding thing between women. Not sure "Yeah, I'm thin" would endear me to many. Heck, I wonder if even writing this sounds conceited. If someone will think "Stupid skinny bitch... talking about how skinny she is." I don't know. I just need to try not to play the game. I said before... it is important to look at ourselves honestly. We need to own up to the good as well as the bad I guess.
So while I think skinny is an exaggeration of my size... I need to not deny it like it's so ridiculous. Easier said than done. Stupid fat kid syndrome. :)
So today I walk to the scale in the weight room. I always use the same scale so I know it's accurate. There is one in the ladies locker room, but I don't care for it. The one in the weight room is next to the receptionist desk at the in-house chiropractor. So I walk over and out of the corner of my eye I notice the two ladies behind the desk watching me. I start to adjust the weights on the scale and the one lady says to me "You're one of only 3 women we've seen use this scale! And the other 2 made a point to look around to make sure no one was watching them." I laugh and say I hadn't ever thought about anyone watching me. Right about this time I'm noticing that my weight has crept up a couple pounds. And just as a little touch of panic is settling in the lady behind the desk says "Yeah, well, you're skinny" implying why would I care if anyone saw me weigh. I kind of blinked at her and said "I'm not skinny." It just popped out! And as the words escape my mouth I notice the incredulous look on her face. And I realize what I've done. I'm acting like one of those people.
"Those people" were the skinny girls I remember from junior high... and I still encounter them today... who say "Oh, I'm so fat... blah, blah, blah" and all the girls around them chime in with the "No, you're not!!!!" I remember sitting in the lunchroom in 8th grade listening to a skinny girl do this. And there I sat in all my fatness thinking that there is no way in hell I can say "Oh, I'm so fat" out loud. The silence would be deafening. You'd hear crickets chirping or pins dropping. Because a fat person saying they're fat just isn't going to illicit the same denials. And I always assumed the skinny chicks say this because they want the reassurance that they're thin and pretty. But here I am... apparently a skinny chick to some... saying the same thing.
So tonight the words "I'm not skinny" have escaped my lips, and I'm wishing I could pull them back in. I don't feel skinny, especially with this damn scale looking at me. But the woman talking to me is bigger than me. She would probably very much like to be my size. And I realize I must sound like an idiot to her at this point. And she looks at me and says "Yeah, right... what size do you wear?" And I literally hung my head a little and said sort of quietly and with a bit of embarrassment "Size 8." And she says "Yeah... skinny." We talk for a few minutes I try to get a little street cred with the "Oh, but I've lost X amount of weight" so she doesn't think I'm just born skinny. At the end of the conversation she congratulates me on the weight loss and I thanked her sincerely.
I realize this woman probably didn't think twice about this conversation. But it stuck with me. I wonder if I'm wrong or if she's wrong... or if it's somewhere in between. Either way I don't want to play this game... I don't want to call myself fat when I'm actually thin. It's like the reverse side of telling myself I'm just a little chubby when I was actually fat. If someone says I'm skinny... and if I am actually a thin woman... why is it so hard to just nod and say yeah I am? I mean... I am working my ass off for it. I'm earning it. And yet apparently I can't quite grasp what I look like now any more than I could grasp how fat I'd gotten. It's like I can't own who I am. I'm not quite sure I can see it yet. Not to mention... this whole "I'm so fat" thing seems to be kind of a bonding thing between women. Not sure "Yeah, I'm thin" would endear me to many. Heck, I wonder if even writing this sounds conceited. If someone will think "Stupid skinny bitch... talking about how skinny she is." I don't know. I just need to try not to play the game. I said before... it is important to look at ourselves honestly. We need to own up to the good as well as the bad I guess.
So while I think skinny is an exaggeration of my size... I need to not deny it like it's so ridiculous. Easier said than done. Stupid fat kid syndrome. :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Sniffling, sneezing ramblings of a yoga gym princess :)
I am so not perfect at this whole fitness thing. :) Okay, I'm pretty good with the exercise. I tend to be a really hands on type gal, and I like physical things. And now that I've found things I like to do for exercise, combined with the gym having become a much more social place, getting myself to the gym takes far less discipline. But the food... oh, the food. Constant healthy eating has not become second nature yet at all. I'll do well for several days or weeks... then naturally give myself a little room to wiggle and enjoy some reckless eating. Sadly, sometimes it is a little harder to get back on track than other times. Stress, illness, weekends, hormones... you name it... life can make that candy bar or soda so ridiculously irresistible.
Today I am sick. Nothing major: headache, head cold, sneezy, sleepy, grumpy. Heck, let's throw dopey, happy and doc in for good measure. But I am sick enough that I decided against a trip to the gym. First of all I didn't want to make any of the kindly gym-goers sick with my germs. Secondly, I did the RPM (cycling) class once with a headache. And let's just say... um, no. Not a mistake I want to repeat. And thirdly, the idea of doing the downward dog with a running nose just seems awful... or sneezing while balancing... not a good plan. Normally taking a day off from the gym isn't bad. But I just took 2 days off for recovery time. So the third tacked on here starts to mess with me mentally a little bit. Logic versus emotions. Logically I know damn well that 3 days, or 4 if I'm not better tomorrow, will not undo all the work I've done. But emotionally it gets me out of my routine of being at the gym... and that worries me that I won't get back in the routine.
Earlier in the day when I made the decision to skip the gym I thought, "No worries. Just watch your eating today since you can't hit the gym." And so I watched as I ate a Big Mac for dinner. Yes, with french fries. Sickness, and especially tiredness, can definitely break down your defenses. Times I've been sleep-deprived I have very little ability to police my eating. Driving to work during my time of insomnia it was really common for my brain to say in all seriousness "Yeah... a fried chicken biscuit and huge glass of sweet tea... THAT'S an awesome idea!" And my little sleep-deprived brain would drive my fat ass to BoJangle's without thinking. It's good to recognize why we choose bad food. It reminds me to get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation is not my only trigger, but it's a big one. I'm not sick often so maybe on days when I am I should cut myself a little slack. But I know I haven't been doing as well with my food intake as I'd like lately so it's hard to just let it go.
I have had several "plateaus" while losing weight. But being completely honest about it they have been self-inflicted plateaus. I start eating more or exercising less. When I finally get in gear the weight comes off again. It seems like it would be easy to stay in gear... you'd think anyway. :)
I would love to not worry about my weight. Will that ever happen? I realize the answer to that is "probably not." That stupid fat kid in my head is pretty determined to stay put. Part of the reason I advertise my working out and eating on Facebook, and now here in this blog, is to keep me moving forward. By letting my little part of the world know what I'm doing... well, I feel like it helps to keep me from failing or backtracking. Or it has so far. It also gives me positive feedback... and don't we all need that on occasion when things get tough? Anyway, I know my Big Mac won't really hurt anything as long as it doesn't start a habit of Big Mac eating. And I know I'll get back to the gym. Staying focused on the road ahead is the important part... not stopping at a bump in the road and turning around.
Anyway, I felt like advertising my setbacks today... not just my successes. To quote a song a friend posted on FB today "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down oh no I got to keep on moving". Yeah, that's been stuck in my head all day. Maybe if you read it you can sing along too! :)
Today I am sick. Nothing major: headache, head cold, sneezy, sleepy, grumpy. Heck, let's throw dopey, happy and doc in for good measure. But I am sick enough that I decided against a trip to the gym. First of all I didn't want to make any of the kindly gym-goers sick with my germs. Secondly, I did the RPM (cycling) class once with a headache. And let's just say... um, no. Not a mistake I want to repeat. And thirdly, the idea of doing the downward dog with a running nose just seems awful... or sneezing while balancing... not a good plan. Normally taking a day off from the gym isn't bad. But I just took 2 days off for recovery time. So the third tacked on here starts to mess with me mentally a little bit. Logic versus emotions. Logically I know damn well that 3 days, or 4 if I'm not better tomorrow, will not undo all the work I've done. But emotionally it gets me out of my routine of being at the gym... and that worries me that I won't get back in the routine.
Earlier in the day when I made the decision to skip the gym I thought, "No worries. Just watch your eating today since you can't hit the gym." And so I watched as I ate a Big Mac for dinner. Yes, with french fries. Sickness, and especially tiredness, can definitely break down your defenses. Times I've been sleep-deprived I have very little ability to police my eating. Driving to work during my time of insomnia it was really common for my brain to say in all seriousness "Yeah... a fried chicken biscuit and huge glass of sweet tea... THAT'S an awesome idea!" And my little sleep-deprived brain would drive my fat ass to BoJangle's without thinking. It's good to recognize why we choose bad food. It reminds me to get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation is not my only trigger, but it's a big one. I'm not sick often so maybe on days when I am I should cut myself a little slack. But I know I haven't been doing as well with my food intake as I'd like lately so it's hard to just let it go.
I have had several "plateaus" while losing weight. But being completely honest about it they have been self-inflicted plateaus. I start eating more or exercising less. When I finally get in gear the weight comes off again. It seems like it would be easy to stay in gear... you'd think anyway. :)
I would love to not worry about my weight. Will that ever happen? I realize the answer to that is "probably not." That stupid fat kid in my head is pretty determined to stay put. Part of the reason I advertise my working out and eating on Facebook, and now here in this blog, is to keep me moving forward. By letting my little part of the world know what I'm doing... well, I feel like it helps to keep me from failing or backtracking. Or it has so far. It also gives me positive feedback... and don't we all need that on occasion when things get tough? Anyway, I know my Big Mac won't really hurt anything as long as it doesn't start a habit of Big Mac eating. And I know I'll get back to the gym. Staying focused on the road ahead is the important part... not stopping at a bump in the road and turning around.
Anyway, I felt like advertising my setbacks today... not just my successes. To quote a song a friend posted on FB today "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down oh no I got to keep on moving". Yeah, that's been stuck in my head all day. Maybe if you read it you can sing along too! :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Forever 23
I'm going to be 39 years old about 2 weeks. Then I begin the last year of my 30s. I have no idea why those ages ending in zero seem to hold such weight for people. Personally I always hated the years ending in 7... 27, 37, etc. They seem to just sound older... maybe because of the extra syllable? Or maybe because you officially cross the line into "late 20s" or "late 30s." Of course 17 felt older, but back then for some insane reason we wanted to be older. Seriously? When people say youth is wasted on the young... they aren't kidding.
I have always felt simultaneously like a kid and an old lady. I feel like I have always had a certain wisdom (the old lady) and yet often the stupidity not to listen to it (the kid). :) For the most part, though, on the inside I always feel 23 years old. I used to just say that kind of as a reflex... how old do I feel? 23. I didn't know why. But I think I finally figured it out. It's the age I was when I finally went out on my own... not only out of mom and dad's house, but out of school (where I had freedom, but mom and dad still paid). :) So it was the age I kind of became "me" if that makes any sense. I think I am more mature now, but inside... I'm the same Tracy I was at 23. And the funny thing is I suspect if I live to be 90... I'll be the same. I'll still be 23 inside. I try to remember that when I see older people... they may still feel 23 too. :)
I remember my mom telling me that at age 40 or so her neck just kind of "showed up." Like... she never really even noticed her neck before... and all of a sudden it was like "Hello!" And it looked older. I've honestly been watching my neck for 20 years because of that statement! Like... oh, no is my neck showing up? LOL. And yes... my neck has at least started to "show up." Then she once told me that at a certain age when you start to look old you become invisible. Like you'll be out in public and it's like people just see through you. And I'm looking at my age and, unlike being in my 20s when you think you'll stay the way you are forever, I understand more fully there is a shelf life... to my looks, my health, and eventually my life.
On some level I think I am working my ass off at the gym like I am because, armed with the knowledge of a middle aged woman, I want to extend that shelf life. I am not ready to be invisible yet... I spent most of my youth feeling invisible. I finally don't, and I want to stick around for a while. :) I just hope my soon to be 39 year old body keeps up. I can definitely tell when I'm pushing myself that it isn't 23 anymore. Hello elbow tendons, foot tendons, knees and back! Where the hell did you come from? I don't like you... please go away. :)
This year my birthday falls midweek on a day that is a cycling class/BodyFlow yoga class double feature day! And yes I plan on going to the gym on my birthday. I should find a tiara to wear or something... just to be silly. :) Hey... it's a birthday. Seriously... rarely do people plan surprise parties or plan your birthdays for you. You gotta make the plans yourself if you want it to be fun.
I do plan on enjoying my birthday... even if I do nothing. People joke that they are turning 29 again. Not me... I'm gonna be 39... I've earned these years! :) Some of these years I'd even say I conquered! And I am proud of them.
I have always felt simultaneously like a kid and an old lady. I feel like I have always had a certain wisdom (the old lady) and yet often the stupidity not to listen to it (the kid). :) For the most part, though, on the inside I always feel 23 years old. I used to just say that kind of as a reflex... how old do I feel? 23. I didn't know why. But I think I finally figured it out. It's the age I was when I finally went out on my own... not only out of mom and dad's house, but out of school (where I had freedom, but mom and dad still paid). :) So it was the age I kind of became "me" if that makes any sense. I think I am more mature now, but inside... I'm the same Tracy I was at 23. And the funny thing is I suspect if I live to be 90... I'll be the same. I'll still be 23 inside. I try to remember that when I see older people... they may still feel 23 too. :)
I remember my mom telling me that at age 40 or so her neck just kind of "showed up." Like... she never really even noticed her neck before... and all of a sudden it was like "Hello!" And it looked older. I've honestly been watching my neck for 20 years because of that statement! Like... oh, no is my neck showing up? LOL. And yes... my neck has at least started to "show up." Then she once told me that at a certain age when you start to look old you become invisible. Like you'll be out in public and it's like people just see through you. And I'm looking at my age and, unlike being in my 20s when you think you'll stay the way you are forever, I understand more fully there is a shelf life... to my looks, my health, and eventually my life.
On some level I think I am working my ass off at the gym like I am because, armed with the knowledge of a middle aged woman, I want to extend that shelf life. I am not ready to be invisible yet... I spent most of my youth feeling invisible. I finally don't, and I want to stick around for a while. :) I just hope my soon to be 39 year old body keeps up. I can definitely tell when I'm pushing myself that it isn't 23 anymore. Hello elbow tendons, foot tendons, knees and back! Where the hell did you come from? I don't like you... please go away. :)
This year my birthday falls midweek on a day that is a cycling class/BodyFlow yoga class double feature day! And yes I plan on going to the gym on my birthday. I should find a tiara to wear or something... just to be silly. :) Hey... it's a birthday. Seriously... rarely do people plan surprise parties or plan your birthdays for you. You gotta make the plans yourself if you want it to be fun.
I do plan on enjoying my birthday... even if I do nothing. People joke that they are turning 29 again. Not me... I'm gonna be 39... I've earned these years! :) Some of these years I'd even say I conquered! And I am proud of them.
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