I am sometimes surprised I don't have an eating disorder

I was at the gym tonight. I was doing a weight lifting class and watching my form in the mirror. At one point doing either back exercises or shoulders I noticed I could see bones in my chest. And I got really, really happy! Then I start wondering "Should I really be happy that my bones are showing?"

Let me give a little background. When I was in high school I was really skinny. I know from pictures I see. But of course, I thought I needed to lose 5 more pounds at all times... the aforementioned fat kid syndrome was really kicking! And I remember once after losing weight my dad came up behind me in the kitchen and squeezed my shoulders and mentioned how he could feel my shoulder bones. This was a good thing since I'd recently lost weight. And ever since then I have loved for my shoulder bones and collar bones to stick out. I had a friend in college say to me that from the waist up she thought I might be bordering on anorexic, but from the waist down she knew I wasn't. I took this as a very high compliment. I didn't mind having an ass (this was the era of "Baby Got Back" after all). But even more than that I loved those stupid collar bones.

My collar bones and shoulder bones have been hidden under fat for a lot of years now. My shoulders looked rounded instead of the squared shoulders I used to love. Since I started losing weight I have seen them reappear. And now I'm starting to see ribs in my chest on occasion! (Yes, I was smiling when I typed that last sentence). Maybe I shouldn't celebrate this. That's what I question. Is it really an attractive thing to strive for? Will I go too far? I didn't see that I had gotten as fat as I did. Will I not see it if I get too skinny? Most of my friends have looked at my "fat" picture and said they didn't see me like that at all. That's why they never said anything. Will they not notice if I get too skinny? Who will warn me?

I have read an anorexic's blog before. And she says over and over that she was just trying to be healthy. And I recognize the language she uses.

I have often been grateful... from my teenage years on... that I wasn't anorexic or bulimic. I always felt like I was an ideal candidate... always thinking so much about my weight. Maybe it's why I'm on guard now.

For now I'm going to enjoy my wonderful collar bones, shoulder bones, and even the bones in my chest, but I will try to pay attention. I suppose if my ass starts to disappear then I'll have something to worry about. :)