Watch your language! :)

 "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become." ~Buddha


Language is powerful. The language we speak and even the language we think. It is important to be mindful of the language we use about ourselves. While I do not in any way advocate talking bad about ourselves... we must also be honest. We need to not hide from ourselves. 

What do these words have in common? Chubby, pudgy, curvy, womanly, buxom, BBW (big beautiful woman), fluffy. They can all be substitutes for the word fat. The dreaded word: FAT. I understand the desire to not be called fat. Up until about a year ago if something made me think for a second I was fat I would think "No, I'm just a little chubby." When I, at 5'2", had to buy size 14 jeans I thought "Oh, I'm just curvy." Yeah... right. All I was doing was fooling myself. In a way I was trying to be kind. I didn't want the truth. The truth was scary and required action. But the truth delivered without malice... the truth just as the truth isn't painful. It opens the door for change. And change can seem painful.

I used to look at myself and figure next to someone who was morbidly obese I wasn't bad. But what did that nameless obese person I made up have to do with me? Nothing. I had to stop comparing myself... I had to look just at myself. And the truth was I was unhealthy. I was, in fact, the dreaded word FAT. And the day I set aside all the cute words for what I was... I wasn't curvy or pudgy or womanly... I was fat. That was the day I was able to start changing. I no longer allowed myself the luxury of sugarcoating what my body had become. I was overweight. I had no energy. I took a nap every day after work because I wasn't sleeping well. And in 20 years I would only be worse. In 20 years I would really regret not getting myself together now. The list of diseases caused just by being overweight... the diseases that are completely preventable... that list is long. And any disease that may hit me that isn't preventable... well, the least I can do is be in fighting shape!

I understand that no one can start changing their life until they are ready. This goes for weight loss, smoking, drinking... any behaviors we know are bad, but are afraid to put down. But I believe that looking at yourself with honest eyes is necessary to get to the point of being ready. Don't judge yourself. Don't hate yourself. But don't sugarcoat things that are unpleasant. Face them, and decide if you want to change them.

The ideas in this article are really simple ideas that are very true! I watch my diet, but I am not on a diet. I hope it helps me stay lean! Take a look: The 7 Laws of Leanness

I am sometimes surprised I don't have an eating disorder

I was at the gym tonight. I was doing a weight lifting class and watching my form in the mirror. At one point doing either back exercises or shoulders I noticed I could see bones in my chest. And I got really, really happy! Then I start wondering "Should I really be happy that my bones are showing?"

Let me give a little background. When I was in high school I was really skinny. I know from pictures I see. But of course, I thought I needed to lose 5 more pounds at all times... the aforementioned fat kid syndrome was really kicking! And I remember once after losing weight my dad came up behind me in the kitchen and squeezed my shoulders and mentioned how he could feel my shoulder bones. This was a good thing since I'd recently lost weight. And ever since then I have loved for my shoulder bones and collar bones to stick out. I had a friend in college say to me that from the waist up she thought I might be bordering on anorexic, but from the waist down she knew I wasn't. I took this as a very high compliment. I didn't mind having an ass (this was the era of "Baby Got Back" after all). But even more than that I loved those stupid collar bones.

My collar bones and shoulder bones have been hidden under fat for a lot of years now. My shoulders looked rounded instead of the squared shoulders I used to love. Since I started losing weight I have seen them reappear. And now I'm starting to see ribs in my chest on occasion! (Yes, I was smiling when I typed that last sentence). Maybe I shouldn't celebrate this. That's what I question. Is it really an attractive thing to strive for? Will I go too far? I didn't see that I had gotten as fat as I did. Will I not see it if I get too skinny? Most of my friends have looked at my "fat" picture and said they didn't see me like that at all. That's why they never said anything. Will they not notice if I get too skinny? Who will warn me?

I have read an anorexic's blog before. And she says over and over that she was just trying to be healthy. And I recognize the language she uses.

I have often been grateful... from my teenage years on... that I wasn't anorexic or bulimic. I always felt like I was an ideal candidate... always thinking so much about my weight. Maybe it's why I'm on guard now.

For now I'm going to enjoy my wonderful collar bones, shoulder bones, and even the bones in my chest, but I will try to pay attention. I suppose if my ass starts to disappear then I'll have something to worry about. :)

"6 Scary Side Effects of Sugar"

Here's a good article. 6 Scary Side Effects of Sugar Just don't go substituting sugar with artificial sweeteners. Those are just awful. I'll find some articles to post on that another time. :)

I suffer from "Fat Kid Syndrome"

A friend of mine was at Krispy Kreme with me last night. He had gone to the bathroom and while waiting I was standing at the window watching the doughnuts being fried. I turned around as my friend was walking towards me and he had this bemused look on his face and started chuckling. As we headed out the door he said something to the effect of "You know sometimes I can still see glimpses of the little fat kid in you."

Yes... I was a fat kid. No, not baby fat. FAT. And I was fat at a time that 70% of kids weren't fat. I didn't wear tight clothes or call myself curvy. I thought I was ugly and invisible... and I tried to hide. And when you feel that as a child it becomes part of you. You suffer from "Fat Kid Syndrome" as I call it. And you can manage it like a chronic illness, but honestly it doesn't go away and it rears its ugly head from time to time.

Logic and emotions rarely agree. I know logically I am not ugly or invisible. But when someone notices me or finds me sexy or attractive, somewhere inside me there is the reaction "Why?" I "know" why... but there is a small part of me that doesn't know how to "feel" why.

So it's a work in progress... just like the rest of life.