Why do people sabotage themselves? I guess I really can't speak for other people so I suppose the question I should ask is why on earth do I sabotage myself? I still fight with this voice inside my head that says I can't do certain things. The loudest, most obvious voice is always about my weight and my body. But I wonder if there are other things in my life that I am sabotaging that are just less subtle.
A couple years ago I set out on a quest to get healthy. I did it slowly, healthily, and without beating up on myself about my progress. I have to say I did very well. I kept in mind at the beginning how I usually end up losing a few pounds, get comfortable, and go back to my old ways of eating. I was careful not to do it this time. But here I am... approaching the 2 year mark of the beginning... and I realize in a way I've done it again. I got to a fairly healthy weight. And I parked it right there. Now from the outside there isn't really anything wrong with this. I didn't really quit. I shifted gears and focused on a new goal. I have worked very hard to get my certification to teach BodyFlow (which I'm hoping is going to show up any time now... impatiently tapping fingers as I type). But now that the work toward that goal has been completed it occurred to me that I shifted gears before completing what I really wanted to do. I am still hiding behind a layer of chubbiness. Now don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm fat. But the truth is I've always identified myself as a fat kid. And for my whole life I've hidden behind that label. And even in my thinnest times I haven't allowed myself to really be as lean and healthy as a part of me wants. I shove that part aside... I basically am telling her that she can't do it or that she isn't important enough to get what she wants.
Someone told me that people fear success as well as failure. They worry if they truly strive for that thing they want more than anything and then fail at it... well, it will just hurt too much. Or what if they succeed, but then it isn't what they expected. So they don't try. They accept the mediocre, or the "just good enough." And that little part inside of us that wants to shine and succeed is pushed to the back of the line.
Now what am I talking about? Losing weight? Being thinner? Yes... and no. It's more than that. It's me wanting to be the best version of me possible. But it's not about perfection. Will I be a different person if I wear 2 sizes smaller? Nope... same old me. And that's good because I like me. It's about not regretting the way I live my life. It is giving that part of me inside that strives to shine more attention than that whiny bitch who wants ice cream when she's depressed. Let's face it... my whiny bitch has had enough emotional eating indulged to last 5 lifetimes.
So am I going to do a 180 tomorrow and start eating perfectly? I don't know. Probably not... but can I start telling the whiny bitch in my head to shut the fuck up once in a while and start listening to the little voice and letting her shine a bit? Yes.
And maybe, just maybe, if I can silence the negative a little bit... I can see if I'm sabotaging anything else in my life. And start letting those little voices shine too.
