On one hand these things can be inspiring. But I also find they are like photos of models or TV stars in magazines or online or on TV... and they actually make me feel bad about myself some days. So I've decided to drastically cut back on looking at anything online or in magazines that directs me to photographs of skinny women. This includes these inspirational pictures with motivational sayings about the gym and such. My self esteem takes a beating already from years of weight struggles... If I keep feeding the fat kid inside me with this kind of fuel she'll never shut the fuck up.
I am a fairly intelligent woman. I know, without a doubt, that all of the photographs of models and celebrities are photoshopped like a mother fucker. That these women... who are undoubtedly beautiful naturally... do not really exist in the form presented to us. They jiggle. They have cellulite. They have creases in their bellies when they bend over. Their boobs, which may be close to perfect on some of the younger ones, will eventually sag just like the rest of our boobs. But every time I turn around I see some photograph of a woman who looks perfect. And even if they really look like that (which I know they don't) there is no way I can look like that. And then I feel like shit.
I read Jennifer Aniston spends about $9,000 per month on her beauty and exercise regime. Yes... $9,000. I mean... holy fucking shit. She spends $900 a week on yoga. Okay... give me a year to spend all my time and energy doing yoga and having my meals prepared for me and spending $9k on beauty and exercise... guess what? I'll look like Jennifer fucking Aniston when I'm in my 40s. I'm not picking on old Jen... she's lovely and seems like a nice enough gal. But there is no way on this earth I have the time or money to do what she does. I'm an actual real woman... with real woman responsibilities... and only a limited time to spend at the gym. And I would bet my last dime her photos are doctored too. Madonna, who is in incredibly amazing shape... I once read for lunch she might have a handful of almonds (or something crazily small)... then she does hours and hours of yoga. I mean... WTF? Let me state for the record... a handful of almonds does not a meal make! And then she still found it necessary to go get shit done to her face to look younger. So she obviously feels like shit about herself sometimes too. I suspect it's just a matter of time before we see Jen Aniston in an interview and say "What the heck is up with her lips?" or some such nonsense because she felt like crap about herself too.
Now even though I know that for a normal woman I look okay... I still feel like shit about myself when I see pictures of these people. And then I become a hater. I have to find something about them that sucks so that I can feel better about myself... to feel somehow superior. Well, that's not fair to them. They haven't done anything to me.Why am I picking on them? Because I don't want to feel like a fat piece of shit... that's why. Of course, this doesn't really work. I still feel like a piece of crap... and now I feel worse because I feel like a hater... so I go find something really crappy to eat. Yeah... that's how that works. Emotional eating when you feel fat... sad, but true.
I like the women at the gym... we are proof that being healthy doesn't usually equal being a stick figure... We work our asses off. We struggle. We keep fighting. We strive for strength. We strive for health. And we look real. This is where I want to keep my focus in life... on what's real. Not on some photoshopped fantasy that will forever be out of reach.
That is my possibly hormonally induced rant for today. I'm heading to the gym now. Happy Cinco de Mayo to all!
